imeeji_frontstage | (it's gonna rain tonight)

If he does not want to, then I will gladly do it in his stead. But considering the connection between you and how helpless he himself feels sometimes, it would be good to at least offer it to him first.

Likewise, if someone need to ever charm Caeli, I would wish to be the one to do it.

[ Her face falls so dramatically that it would be funny if it weren't so clearly sincere ]

...He feels helpless because of me?

[ She figured there had to be a little of that, but hearing it still sucks. ]

Is that thought so strange? Do you yourself not feel helpless sometimes to protect those you love in a place designed to make you feel in such a way?

Not strange. Just upsetting.

I feel helpless in the games sometimes, especially this one. But outside of them, I can take care of myself.

Maybe it's worse because I don't really let him protect me? [ Thinking about various times she got hurt or killed and he had to watch, if not also mop up afterwards ] I guess I never thought about it.

Perhaps you could let him spoil you once things have calmed down.

Both Caeli and Venti are kind enough to let me be... overbearing. When they come to harm.

I do that. ...Most of the time.

[ Thinking about the times she's run off after hard games to curl up with Lupine and Venti, but that ritual is important to her too. Also thinking about how she sometimes has vented about her other partners with Doctor; it's more because he asked her to tell him what was wrong and her being unable to lie worth a damn. ]

I suppose I do have an easier time letting others fuss over me, sometimes.

I worry more about impressing or disappointing Doctor more than anyone else, so I guess that makes sense. [ Not a great excuse even so. ]

Then perhaps that feeling of helplessness is one he must work through on his own. Everyone has their own way of dealing with the less hospitable parts of being here.

Maybe. But I'd like to help him if I can, so I'll ask.

He's never used your emotion sharing power with me before. Maybe if he'd agree to try that, I'd understand it better.

[ Indeed wondering why he hasn't. (And worried that it's not wanting to experience the mess the lives inside her head, goodness knows she'd opt out if she could.) ]

If he is willing, I can only recommend such a course of action.

While our experiences are rich and allow us to view the world around us in very unique perspectives, the limitations of language and communication can cause misunderstandings if not wielded precisely and properly. I do believe that allowing both of you to walk in each other's shoes, as it were, in the most complete sense would only further deepen the bond that you share.

I'm a little worried it might scare him. My impulses are violent; I push them down, but they're still there. [ Thinking of how Pentium advised her not to give people a chance to reject her dark side, because it'll only hurt everyone. ]

It's worth a try anyway. If he's scared then he'll be in good company.

I do not believe he is one to scare so easily. Or perhaps more accurately, even if he might be surprised at first, his adoration for you will always win out in the end.

Maybe not so surprised now. As was very evident this week, every secret has a way of coming out in awful ways. But I still think it's frightening, how could it not be?

I know Doctor believes he's done awful things, and objectively he's not wrong, but there's a scale to these matters. [ One murder + one awful request made to another aren't great, but her entire existence is about hurting others. She's trained herself to repress it but that's no great achievement, it's the bare minimum. ]

(it's gonna rain tonight)

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