imeeji_frontstage | (no subject)

[ The apology -- repeated, truly unnecessary -- strikes oddly, because when Childe did the same she was so comfortable saying that he need never apologize to her, about anything, and she knew he'd accept that answer. Right now, however, nothing sounds right, she's second guessing everything because everything she does only makes it worse. ]

I know. [ (But she doesn't, not really, only knows from the outside. Still, it's what you say.) ] You want to rest a minute? I make a good pillow, and I promise to shut up. [ because that's the closest guess she's got as to what's needed here? ]

[Nemesis hesitates]

...You don't mind? Feel like I already put you out plenty today.

I don't mind. [ Not even going to touch that other part, because she was put out and she's not going to patronizingly contend that she wasn't, but it's not like either of them know what they're doing here. ] I wouldn't be here if I minded.

[ Sliding over a little, making some room, the arm on Nemesis's back gently urging her closer. ] Come on.

[She lowers her head, and hesitates more, and finally scoots closer as well]

Either way, can't possibly be what you were hoping to do with your day. So don't feel like you gotta waste your time babysitting or nothing.

[ Trying again to urge her over, like she's trying to soothe a skittish animal. ] I said I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to be. Can't you just trust me a little? [ Because if not, then what are they even doing? ]

Anyway, you're sparing me from having to play that damn thing. [ Nodding at the violin case, not that Nem can probably see it. ]

Trust don't got nothing to do with it. Just trying not to overstep my bounds.

[Quiet, and then she looks up--over at the case, apparently happy to jump on the subject change as well]

...Play what?

[ ...Bounds? ][ Did they agree to bounds and she wasn't consulted? ][ Whatever, even as oblivious as Aliza is she knows this isn't the moment. ]

It's a violin. I got it the other night. I'm pretty good at it. [ But she also hates it, which is confusing and another thing for which this is not the moment. ]

[Definitely seems like the perfect moment,]

...You remember playing it any?

No, but right after I woke up I -- well, I couldn't talk. Venti was telling me about the instruments he plays, and I wanted to ask if he played the cello but I couldn't come up with the word, so I started imitating. He noticed my hands, and guessed that I played. I didn't feel like hauling a cello around, so.

[ She picked up the portable version, gave it a try. ] Funny how I can do all this useless stuff like instruments, painting, even opera singing, but I can't cook for anything.

[ You laying down or what? ]

Anybody can make food. Being talented enough to make something beautiful through the arts seems way more useful if you ask me.

[She does not make any move to do anything but curl up on herself without invitation--she already feels anxiously in the way as it is]

Yeah, well. When you like to eat as much as I do, cooking sounds more useful.

[ Almost sighing when Nemesis doesn't take the offer to rest on her, but why is she surprised? ]

Is that your way of asking me to play something?

Order out? Or get some friends who like to cook, and make them take care of that part.

[Despite seeming somewhat less jumpy than before, Nemesis is still folded in on herself as if to take up as little space as possible. She flushes at the call-out before faltering at the sigh and the tone]

Oh--no. I ain't trying to force you into nothing. Just--saying, practical stuff ain't always better than other stuff, that's all.

[ If you listen very carefully, you might actually hear her patience snapping neatly into tiny pieces! ]

You're not forcing me. Stop acting like I'm here at gunpoint. [ She draws a breath, well aware that losing her temper will not help a thing, but this is exhausting. When she speaks again, her tone is much softer once more. ]

I don't mind playing if it'll distract you. I'm offering. It's not out of pity or because I'm babysitting or whatever, it's because I care about you. [ Is that her mistake? Are those 'bounds' Nemesis referred to being crossed by those feelings? She didn't think so, and now she has no damn clue. ]

[ She leans over and snaps open the violin case and takes out the instrument and bow. ]

...Don't seem like it.

I might be dumb, but I ain't an idiot. 'Cause its super obvious you're still pissed off over whatever I did and you don't wanna be here.

And--honestly, why would you? I ain't useful or supportive or even entertaining. I'm just some boring sad-sack fuckup. Nobody deserves to have to deal with that, much less you. Pretending anything else is a waste of both our time.

[ -- Wow, that sure was a lot of things that aren't accurate. Aliza can see how it'd be hard to tell what she's feeling though, because she's not being herself. She's trying to be whatever will help and it's making her act all stilted and weird (and yes, frustrated). It's also doing the opposite of helping. ]

[ So, fine. She puts her violin back in its case. Nemesis wants the whole truth, she can have it. But first -- ]

If I tell you what's going on in my head, will you believe me? Like, really believe me, and not whatever's in your head telling you that I'm lying? I'm not going to do this if you're not ready to actually hear me and trust that I'm telling you the truth.

[ Her voice wavers at the end, but no further theatrics... yet. She feels everything with her whole heart, so there's bound to be a lot of emotive drama in what she says, and she's not even going to try and help it. Or -- ]

[ Or, she can just go. But she hasn't moved, and isn't going to unless Nemesis says that trying any further isn't worth her efforts. ]

[Her expression is a little strained; definitely uneasy. But she doesn't take long to nod, even though it's a little hesitant. Of course, believing that sort of thing can be pretty difficult for some people...]

...I'll trust you. I wanna hear what you have to say.

Edited 2022-01-11 04:26 (UTC)

[ Okay, that's something. A start, maybe. ]

[ Rather than try to think about what to say, how it might sound, Aliza just starts talking. She's been thinking too long, too hard, and it's getting them nowhere fast. ]

I'm not mad at you. I am -- frustrated. More at this place screwing with us than at you, but a little at you too, even though I know it's not really fair, and a lot at myself for not being able to do anything but make things worse.

I don't know much about myself yet, why I react like I do. But I'm gathering that a lot of the way I am is based on instinctive responses to what's going on around me, especially how people react to me, what I can read from them. When you were grey for so long, it's -- nothing you did, it wasn't your fault, but it messed with my head. Everything in me was telling me that you were rejecting me, that it was personal, even knowing it wasn't. And right after, having to mess around inside your heart or whatever that was... [ She probably doesn't need to go into why that was so hard to see and experience and she knows she got the easier end of that stick, so she just finds a more productive place to resume. ]

I do care about you, Nemesis. More than I thought I could in such a short time, maybe more than something like me should care about another person. So after the game, when you seemed to want me to back off, when you wouldn't tell me anything, it felt personal again. I know that wasn't about me, but that's why I got so weird. I was trying to react how I thought you'd want me to, give you space and distance and all that, when if I had my way I'd have just held you until my arms stopped working.

And -- [ well, here's the rough part, nothing for it ] when we were in there, that other woman in the ☆Zrael clothes at the party... I started wondering if maybe I'm just a bad substitute for someone else. Someone you really want.

[ So, there it is. Whatever Nemesis wants to do with that, it's out of her hands now. ]

Oh. That's--oh.

I...I dunno what to say.

[She does look genuinely at a loss, the dark tips of her ears still visible even when she ducks her head away--forces herself to speak]

I... First of all, you can always be straight with me, okay? And I'll be straight with you, too, about important stuff.

I did want time to myself, after that game. It wasn't nothing about you.

...Figured you'd want someone stronger around, anyways.

I don't need stronger, and I don't want it either. What I need is -- not to be guessing. That if I ask if you're doing any better, that you say yes or no, or tell me you don't know, or you don't want to talk about it now, or ask me to tell you knock-knock jokes, or something, not just pretend I didn't ask.

And I need to know whether you're just wishing I was her. [ This is not really a negotiable point, unfortunately. Maybe it's a dumb, unfair question, but she's being honest, as promised. If she's just a dumpster-diver version of someone Nemesis lost, she can't handle that, no matter how out of everyone's control it might be. ]

...Thought that part was pretty obvious. I was more worried about you and the whole 'couldn't move or speak'-thing.

[She purses her lips; this seems pretty straightforward? Her expression smooths out at the last accusation, however]

...That your line for anybody who's got an ex?

Edited 2022-01-11 09:41 (UTC)

[ It might be, yes. She doesn't actually have experiences with relationships that aren't forced, boundary-less messes (not that she remembers them, but her brain chemistry does). ]

It's not a line or an accusation, it's a question. [ She can't explain why (she can guess) but her instincts were screaming at her when she saw that other girl, not just something petty like jealousy. ] We seem -- similar, and people don't really leave here by their own choice as far as I know. [ Not easy to just move on when someone is suddenly gone with no choice in the matter. ]

[Nemesis looks back, voice perhaps overly even]

I don't got a vampire goth fetish, if that's what you're asking. And I hope it is, since otherwise, I might be feeling insulted by now.

That's not --

[ Cutting herself off there, this feels incredibly pointless. Maybe it's not having memories, but to her it doesn't seem that off the wall to ask if someone's over their ex, who they chose to be inside their quasi-paradise and probably didn't actually choose to separate from and who has some pretty big things superficially in common with someone they're kind of sleeping with. Or were sleeping with, because that's where it seems like this went in spite of her best efforts. (And still, still the meat of the question never got answered. Which is kind of its own answer, huh.) ]

Fine. You're right. It was a dumb question and I keep making things worse. Guess I'm the one who overstepped whatever bounds you were talking about. [ Her words aren't terse or bitter, just resigned. ]

[ Just quietly gathering up her things, feeling ridiculous. ]

[It would surely not seem off the wall--if that's what she had actually asked. Instead Nem looks somewhere between bluster-offended and genuinely hurt. ]

--That's it? You show up, call me some kind of slutty asshole and just--leave?

[ And that? Puts her fraying temper into overdrive. ]

You skipped the part where I sit here and try my best to do something, anything, to help you maybe feel less awful, only to have everything I say be taken the worst possible way and have words put in my mouth about being pissed at you and wanting someone stronger and that I'm pretending to care about you and wasting your time. And talking about "bounds' which I don't remember any say in.

-- Do you honestly believe I'd bring up the memory of someone you cared about just to hurt you? Asking if you're over someone who meant enough to you that they were in your paradise world doesn't seem all that crazy to me. Maybe I said it badly, but I wasn't trying to accuse you of anything. I was trying to find out if I'm a notch on your bedpost or some rebound or someone you could actually --

[ -- she snaps her mouth shut. How in the absolute hell did they get to this point? ]

Edited 2022-01-12 12:22 (UTC)

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