imeeji_frontstage | (no subject)

No, but right after I woke up I -- well, I couldn't talk. Venti was telling me about the instruments he plays, and I wanted to ask if he played the cello but I couldn't come up with the word, so I started imitating. He noticed my hands, and guessed that I played. I didn't feel like hauling a cello around, so.

[ She picked up the portable version, gave it a try. ] Funny how I can do all this useless stuff like instruments, painting, even opera singing, but I can't cook for anything.

[ You laying down or what? ]

Anybody can make food. Being talented enough to make something beautiful through the arts seems way more useful if you ask me.

[She does not make any move to do anything but curl up on herself without invitation--she already feels anxiously in the way as it is]

Yeah, well. When you like to eat as much as I do, cooking sounds more useful.

[ Almost sighing when Nemesis doesn't take the offer to rest on her, but why is she surprised? ]

Is that your way of asking me to play something?

Order out? Or get some friends who like to cook, and make them take care of that part.

[Despite seeming somewhat less jumpy than before, Nemesis is still folded in on herself as if to take up as little space as possible. She flushes at the call-out before faltering at the sigh and the tone]

Oh--no. I ain't trying to force you into nothing. Just--saying, practical stuff ain't always better than other stuff, that's all.

[ If you listen very carefully, you might actually hear her patience snapping neatly into tiny pieces! ]

You're not forcing me. Stop acting like I'm here at gunpoint. [ She draws a breath, well aware that losing her temper will not help a thing, but this is exhausting. When she speaks again, her tone is much softer once more. ]

I don't mind playing if it'll distract you. I'm offering. It's not out of pity or because I'm babysitting or whatever, it's because I care about you. [ Is that her mistake? Are those 'bounds' Nemesis referred to being crossed by those feelings? She didn't think so, and now she has no damn clue. ]

[ She leans over and snaps open the violin case and takes out the instrument and bow. ]

...Don't seem like it.

I might be dumb, but I ain't an idiot. 'Cause its super obvious you're still pissed off over whatever I did and you don't wanna be here.

And--honestly, why would you? I ain't useful or supportive or even entertaining. I'm just some boring sad-sack fuckup. Nobody deserves to have to deal with that, much less you. Pretending anything else is a waste of both our time.

[ -- Wow, that sure was a lot of things that aren't accurate. Aliza can see how it'd be hard to tell what she's feeling though, because she's not being herself. She's trying to be whatever will help and it's making her act all stilted and weird (and yes, frustrated). It's also doing the opposite of helping. ]

[ So, fine. She puts her violin back in its case. Nemesis wants the whole truth, she can have it. But first -- ]

If I tell you what's going on in my head, will you believe me? Like, really believe me, and not whatever's in your head telling you that I'm lying? I'm not going to do this if you're not ready to actually hear me and trust that I'm telling you the truth.

[ Her voice wavers at the end, but no further theatrics... yet. She feels everything with her whole heart, so there's bound to be a lot of emotive drama in what she says, and she's not even going to try and help it. Or -- ]

[ Or, she can just go. But she hasn't moved, and isn't going to unless Nemesis says that trying any further isn't worth her efforts. ]

[Her expression is a little strained; definitely uneasy. But she doesn't take long to nod, even though it's a little hesitant. Of course, believing that sort of thing can be pretty difficult for some people...]

...I'll trust you. I wanna hear what you have to say.

Edited 2022-01-11 04:26 (UTC)

[ Okay, that's something. A start, maybe. ]

[ Rather than try to think about what to say, how it might sound, Aliza just starts talking. She's been thinking too long, too hard, and it's getting them nowhere fast. ]

I'm not mad at you. I am -- frustrated. More at this place screwing with us than at you, but a little at you too, even though I know it's not really fair, and a lot at myself for not being able to do anything but make things worse.

I don't know much about myself yet, why I react like I do. But I'm gathering that a lot of the way I am is based on instinctive responses to what's going on around me, especially how people react to me, what I can read from them. When you were grey for so long, it's -- nothing you did, it wasn't your fault, but it messed with my head. Everything in me was telling me that you were rejecting me, that it was personal, even knowing it wasn't. And right after, having to mess around inside your heart or whatever that was... [ She probably doesn't need to go into why that was so hard to see and experience and she knows she got the easier end of that stick, so she just finds a more productive place to resume. ]

I do care about you, Nemesis. More than I thought I could in such a short time, maybe more than something like me should care about another person. So after the game, when you seemed to want me to back off, when you wouldn't tell me anything, it felt personal again. I know that wasn't about me, but that's why I got so weird. I was trying to react how I thought you'd want me to, give you space and distance and all that, when if I had my way I'd have just held you until my arms stopped working.

And -- [ well, here's the rough part, nothing for it ] when we were in there, that other woman in the ☆Zrael clothes at the party... I started wondering if maybe I'm just a bad substitute for someone else. Someone you really want.

[ So, there it is. Whatever Nemesis wants to do with that, it's out of her hands now. ]

Oh. That's--oh.

I...I dunno what to say.

[She does look genuinely at a loss, the dark tips of her ears still visible even when she ducks her head away--forces herself to speak]

I... First of all, you can always be straight with me, okay? And I'll be straight with you, too, about important stuff.

I did want time to myself, after that game. It wasn't nothing about you.

...Figured you'd want someone stronger around, anyways.

I don't need stronger, and I don't want it either. What I need is -- not to be guessing. That if I ask if you're doing any better, that you say yes or no, or tell me you don't know, or you don't want to talk about it now, or ask me to tell you knock-knock jokes, or something, not just pretend I didn't ask.

And I need to know whether you're just wishing I was her. [ This is not really a negotiable point, unfortunately. Maybe it's a dumb, unfair question, but she's being honest, as promised. If she's just a dumpster-diver version of someone Nemesis lost, she can't handle that, no matter how out of everyone's control it might be. ]

...Thought that part was pretty obvious. I was more worried about you and the whole 'couldn't move or speak'-thing.

[She purses her lips; this seems pretty straightforward? Her expression smooths out at the last accusation, however]

...That your line for anybody who's got an ex?

Edited 2022-01-11 09:41 (UTC)

[ It might be, yes. She doesn't actually have experiences with relationships that aren't forced, boundary-less messes (not that she remembers them, but her brain chemistry does). ]

It's not a line or an accusation, it's a question. [ She can't explain why (she can guess) but her instincts were screaming at her when she saw that other girl, not just something petty like jealousy. ] We seem -- similar, and people don't really leave here by their own choice as far as I know. [ Not easy to just move on when someone is suddenly gone with no choice in the matter. ]

[Nemesis looks back, voice perhaps overly even]

I don't got a vampire goth fetish, if that's what you're asking. And I hope it is, since otherwise, I might be feeling insulted by now.

That's not --

[ Cutting herself off there, this feels incredibly pointless. Maybe it's not having memories, but to her it doesn't seem that off the wall to ask if someone's over their ex, who they chose to be inside their quasi-paradise and probably didn't actually choose to separate from and who has some pretty big things superficially in common with someone they're kind of sleeping with. Or were sleeping with, because that's where it seems like this went in spite of her best efforts. (And still, still the meat of the question never got answered. Which is kind of its own answer, huh.) ]

Fine. You're right. It was a dumb question and I keep making things worse. Guess I'm the one who overstepped whatever bounds you were talking about. [ Her words aren't terse or bitter, just resigned. ]

[ Just quietly gathering up her things, feeling ridiculous. ]

[It would surely not seem off the wall--if that's what she had actually asked. Instead Nem looks somewhere between bluster-offended and genuinely hurt. ]

--That's it? You show up, call me some kind of slutty asshole and just--leave?

[ And that? Puts her fraying temper into overdrive. ]

You skipped the part where I sit here and try my best to do something, anything, to help you maybe feel less awful, only to have everything I say be taken the worst possible way and have words put in my mouth about being pissed at you and wanting someone stronger and that I'm pretending to care about you and wasting your time. And talking about "bounds' which I don't remember any say in.

-- Do you honestly believe I'd bring up the memory of someone you cared about just to hurt you? Asking if you're over someone who meant enough to you that they were in your paradise world doesn't seem all that crazy to me. Maybe I said it badly, but I wasn't trying to accuse you of anything. I was trying to find out if I'm a notch on your bedpost or some rebound or someone you could actually --

[ -- she snaps her mouth shut. How in the absolute hell did they get to this point? ]

Edited 2022-01-12 12:22 (UTC)

--That was your best? You're worse at this than I am! You were obviously not happy to be around-- A-and, why wouldn't you be mad, having to deal with this?

[There's an incredulous wobble to her voice before she cuts herself off, and no one needed any more of that train of thought anyway. Instead, she folds her arms and bites at her lower lip--takes a moment to push down her own emotions enough to actually begin to grasp at Alizarin's.

...Which still doesn't mean she entirely 'gets' them, not yet, but she'll start slow and fumble forward from there. Her cheeks tint, a little cowed]

...I wasn't saying you were pretending to care. Just-- You don't have to act different or go out of your way just--just to be nice.

Your violin-- Even if you're the best player in the world, I don't want you to play it if you hate it. Throw it away, set it on fire, hit it with a train--whatever. Don't do the thing you don't like and say it's for me--I didn't ask for that. That ain't gonna make nobody happy.

[There's more, certainly, but she pauses for breath--or just to buy time, either way]

[ She actually cracks a tiny, rueful smile at you're worse at this than I am, because that's incredibly true. She has no idea what she's doing. She relies so much on other people's emotions to decide how to react, and when she's given nothing she can't offer much more than nothing. ]

[ But she's said enough, so she just waits, and listens (even if she takes some exception to the suggestion that she 'obviously' wasn't happy to be around, that's really just her being totally unsure how to act, but she supposes the interpretation isn't an unfair one). She doesn't actually want to steamroll over everything, what she wanted was Nemesis talking, so she's not about to interrupt it. ]

[To be fair, they are pretty evenly matched. Though when Alizarin doesn't just take the opportunity to just flip double birds and disappear into the sunset, Nemesis's shoulders unknot a little...only to tense back up when she realizes she still has to make words about feelings, ugh]

And my-- And Req...

[She fumbles forward, words coming slow and uncertain]

...I wasn't lying. Just 'cause you're both outta my league and--like super on-theme for goth team-- That don't mean I got a type, or that I only ever talk to you 'cause you're the next closest thing.

[This might come out sounding like a sneer if she didn't seem genuinely hurt and distressed by the idea]

I ain't looking for a "replacement," like somebody you care about's no different than a job, o-or a new pair of boots, that's--

[Her voice breaks and she looks up to Alizarin, bleak]

Did somebody say something like that to you? Or--or do I just seem like that shitty of a person?

You don't seem like that sort of person at all. [ Someone definitely said something, but that wasn't the biggest problem. ] I think it has something to do with my past, being used like that. The thought stuck in my head and I couldn't let it go. If I knew why, I'd tell you.

Thank you for answering. [ It's quite evident that it was very difficult, and the efforts are extremely appreciated. ] I'm sorry I had to make you get into it. And I'm sorry that trying to avoid it was making me act like I was mad at you or something. And I'm sorry you had to lose someone you care so much about.

[ And she's especially sorry that she can't manage to act her age and get a grip on herself, that she let her messy, context-free feelings hemorrhage all over the place when Nemesis didn't need any of it. Good news is, there's a solution to this; bad news is, she kind of hates it. ]

It...happens.

[She shrugs, a little more hopeless than off-hand, but hey]

But yeah, I wasn't trying to make you feel bad--definitely not used. That's-- I'm sorry. That really sucks. 'Specially when you only half know why.

[A hesitation, as if uncertain she's allowed to continue--to talk to her at all, anymore]

...You ain't got any memories back, right?

It's not your fault. Any of it. I overreacted, and I shouldn't have. You had enough going on without me making a big deal out of... [ well. Whatever inside her was screaming at her. Still is, to some degree. ]

I have one memory and -- it's bad. Really bad. I went out of control, and a lot of innocent people paid for it. So I haven't bought any more yet.

[ The one memory was enough, or should have been, to tell her that she needs to get and keep a hold on herself. And this conversation was definitely an indication that she's failing at it, which is reckless at absolute best. ]

[She waves it off]

Nah... I shoulda had my shit together in the first place. You had plenty going on, too.

But yeah...that's fair you ain't keen on reliving more of that. Prolly seems like bullshit coming from me, but I feel like you should be able to just--be who you are, not who you were. If you want, anyways.

[ Between the two of them, Nemesis probably had herself more together -- or at least was quieter about it, less... destructive. Which is the entire point, something this conversation made quite clear to her. ]

I do want that. I want it more than anything. [ That's why she sat here and made an idiot of herself trying to do something she had no concept how to do, despite how off kilter she felt and the chaos inside her head. ] It doesn't sound like bullshit, it sounds wonderful.

[ She draws a slow breath ] But, I can't.

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