imeeji_frontstage | (no subject)

[ And that? Puts her fraying temper into overdrive. ]

You skipped the part where I sit here and try my best to do something, anything, to help you maybe feel less awful, only to have everything I say be taken the worst possible way and have words put in my mouth about being pissed at you and wanting someone stronger and that I'm pretending to care about you and wasting your time. And talking about "bounds' which I don't remember any say in.

-- Do you honestly believe I'd bring up the memory of someone you cared about just to hurt you? Asking if you're over someone who meant enough to you that they were in your paradise world doesn't seem all that crazy to me. Maybe I said it badly, but I wasn't trying to accuse you of anything. I was trying to find out if I'm a notch on your bedpost or some rebound or someone you could actually --

[ -- she snaps her mouth shut. How in the absolute hell did they get to this point? ]

Edited 2022-01-12 12:22 (UTC)

--That was your best? You're worse at this than I am! You were obviously not happy to be around-- A-and, why wouldn't you be mad, having to deal with this?

[There's an incredulous wobble to her voice before she cuts herself off, and no one needed any more of that train of thought anyway. Instead, she folds her arms and bites at her lower lip--takes a moment to push down her own emotions enough to actually begin to grasp at Alizarin's.

...Which still doesn't mean she entirely 'gets' them, not yet, but she'll start slow and fumble forward from there. Her cheeks tint, a little cowed]

...I wasn't saying you were pretending to care. Just-- You don't have to act different or go out of your way just--just to be nice.

Your violin-- Even if you're the best player in the world, I don't want you to play it if you hate it. Throw it away, set it on fire, hit it with a train--whatever. Don't do the thing you don't like and say it's for me--I didn't ask for that. That ain't gonna make nobody happy.

[There's more, certainly, but she pauses for breath--or just to buy time, either way]

[ She actually cracks a tiny, rueful smile at you're worse at this than I am, because that's incredibly true. She has no idea what she's doing. She relies so much on other people's emotions to decide how to react, and when she's given nothing she can't offer much more than nothing. ]

[ But she's said enough, so she just waits, and listens (even if she takes some exception to the suggestion that she 'obviously' wasn't happy to be around, that's really just her being totally unsure how to act, but she supposes the interpretation isn't an unfair one). She doesn't actually want to steamroll over everything, what she wanted was Nemesis talking, so she's not about to interrupt it. ]

[To be fair, they are pretty evenly matched. Though when Alizarin doesn't just take the opportunity to just flip double birds and disappear into the sunset, Nemesis's shoulders unknot a little...only to tense back up when she realizes she still has to make words about feelings, ugh]

And my-- And Req...

[She fumbles forward, words coming slow and uncertain]

...I wasn't lying. Just 'cause you're both outta my league and--like super on-theme for goth team-- That don't mean I got a type, or that I only ever talk to you 'cause you're the next closest thing.

[This might come out sounding like a sneer if she didn't seem genuinely hurt and distressed by the idea]

I ain't looking for a "replacement," like somebody you care about's no different than a job, o-or a new pair of boots, that's--

[Her voice breaks and she looks up to Alizarin, bleak]

Did somebody say something like that to you? Or--or do I just seem like that shitty of a person?

You don't seem like that sort of person at all. [ Someone definitely said something, but that wasn't the biggest problem. ] I think it has something to do with my past, being used like that. The thought stuck in my head and I couldn't let it go. If I knew why, I'd tell you.

Thank you for answering. [ It's quite evident that it was very difficult, and the efforts are extremely appreciated. ] I'm sorry I had to make you get into it. And I'm sorry that trying to avoid it was making me act like I was mad at you or something. And I'm sorry you had to lose someone you care so much about.

[ And she's especially sorry that she can't manage to act her age and get a grip on herself, that she let her messy, context-free feelings hemorrhage all over the place when Nemesis didn't need any of it. Good news is, there's a solution to this; bad news is, she kind of hates it. ]

It...happens.

[She shrugs, a little more hopeless than off-hand, but hey]

But yeah, I wasn't trying to make you feel bad--definitely not used. That's-- I'm sorry. That really sucks. 'Specially when you only half know why.

[A hesitation, as if uncertain she's allowed to continue--to talk to her at all, anymore]

...You ain't got any memories back, right?

It's not your fault. Any of it. I overreacted, and I shouldn't have. You had enough going on without me making a big deal out of... [ well. Whatever inside her was screaming at her. Still is, to some degree. ]

I have one memory and -- it's bad. Really bad. I went out of control, and a lot of innocent people paid for it. So I haven't bought any more yet.

[ The one memory was enough, or should have been, to tell her that she needs to get and keep a hold on herself. And this conversation was definitely an indication that she's failing at it, which is reckless at absolute best. ]

[She waves it off]

Nah... I shoulda had my shit together in the first place. You had plenty going on, too.

But yeah...that's fair you ain't keen on reliving more of that. Prolly seems like bullshit coming from me, but I feel like you should be able to just--be who you are, not who you were. If you want, anyways.

[ Between the two of them, Nemesis probably had herself more together -- or at least was quieter about it, less... destructive. Which is the entire point, something this conversation made quite clear to her. ]

I do want that. I want it more than anything. [ That's why she sat here and made an idiot of herself trying to do something she had no concept how to do, despite how off kilter she felt and the chaos inside her head. ] It doesn't sound like bullshit, it sounds wonderful.

[ She draws a slow breath ] But, I can't.

...What's stopping you?

[ Yet again, she's going to make things worse. ]

The memory, partly. I lost control and killed a whole village of people -- including little children, a baby in its mothers arms. And I don't have any idea why, but I do know the way I felt when I was rampaging like that, those things are always in my head, and it's not always easy to fight them back.

I didn't realize until a minute ago how much I was letting irrational thoughts rule my behavior. If I can't manage to separate the awful things in my head from reality when it comes to something like feeling jealous, how am I ever going to keep myself in control when it counts?

I can't be that selfish.

Oh...wow. That's a lot coming at you outta nowhere...

...Was somebody with you for getting that back, at least...?

There are people looking out for me.

It's not out of nowhere. I just got caught up. I'll -- find a way to get myself together. I just need to stop... [ letting herself get lost like that ][ forgetting what she really is ]

[ spending time with people who inspire things like irrational jealousy ]

Hey--

[Hesitates, then offers her hand]

...Like you said, you got people looking out for you. We'll help you figure this out. Okay?

[ She reaches out to take that offered hand, telling herself it's reflex, it would be cruel to refuse, a million little reasons to excuse her cowardice. ]

[ She squeezes Nemesis's hand, then gently slides hers away. ] I need to go. I don't want you to think you did anything wrong... [ But even if Nemesis thinks that, Aliza still needs to go, because she desperately wants to stay, and she doesn't get to want things that much. ]

[Nemesis's brows ridge, and while she doesn't grab after Alizarin's hand, she leaves her own open--still on offer]

...If you need some alone time, I of all people get that. But, uh. If later, you feel like maybe doing something...or doing nothing...lemme know.

I definitely do want to see you, to do something or nothing or whatever you like.

-- But it might take me a little while to get myself straightened out. [ She's such a coward. ]

No hurry and no pressure, even if I could throw stones. You gotta do what you gotta do.

[She smiles back, crooked and a little shy]

Just...wanted you to know that you don't gotta be alone, when you don't wanna be. That's all.

[ Goodness that smile ][ why is her mind so prone to being ridiculous that she has to run away now of all times ]

I know. Thanks.

Feel better, okay?

You too.

[A breath]

And, uh. Thanks for sharing that stuff with me. You didn't have to.

[ god she's so cute, why are brains so broken and stupid ]

[ putting on a bright smile, which is mostly not fake but definitely part of it is ]

I'll try to do it with less irrational madness next time. [ "Next time"? There cannot be a next time. She needs to get her head together, bad. ]

[ So, gathering her violin and katana and getting out of there before she says anything else she'll have to take back. ]

[Nemesis's return grin is still crooked, but seems genuine--maybe a little brighter than before]

Next time we can both give it a shot.

[She waves as Alizarin heads off, watching until she's out of sight]

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