Memories

[time5kip]

Who: Idols
Where: The Hotel or wherever their hearts will take them
When: 288 afternoon

[ Some of us have been FORBIDDEN from taking memories from too long and it's time to catch up ]

Comments

[selfpreservationist]

[the pain from vergil's grip seems to snap him out of it, and he blinks rapidly before focusing on vergil]

Where?

[auguryofinnocence]

I don't -- care. Anywhere. Alone.

[He pulls Raven along to the elevators, that's at least a destination. They can go to his room or something. Just not where people are watching, where there are people he might attack if he does lose his mind.]

[selfpreservationist]

[he stumbles at first as he follows, dropping his cane, but doesn't care to retrieve it--someone else will pick it up, or he'll buy a new one, it doesn't matter. it feels like his vision is blurred, hazy, and it takes considerable effort to focus outside of himself.

he doesn't have a remark, just a quick nod of assent]

[auguryofinnocence]

[One moment he's dragging Raven to the elevator, and then it feels like the next they're suddenly standing in Vergil's room. He works on autopilot, mind too numb to focus on anything but making sure he doesn't stop. When he realises he's suddenly missing several minutes, he looks around almost like his own room is new to him. His skin feels like it's vibrating and burning.]

Raven - I -

[What can he say when he can hardly gather a thought? But he's truly sorry Raven had to experience that. He's still holding Raven's wrist, so he pulls him in closer to tip Raven's forehead to his shoulder.

And to do the same in return.]

[selfpreservationist]

[raven's missing time too, he barely registers the elevator ride and he doesn't come back to himself until he hears vergil's voice.

he doesn't respond to being pulled, he's just pliant, standing there for a few moments... and then his focus returns and he lets out a shuddering gasp. he flings both arms around vergil's neck and holds on tightly, trembling]

[auguryofinnocence]

[He returns the hold, his fingers twisting in Raven's clothes. The noise that comes from him something strangled, halfway between a sob and a scream.]

[selfpreservationist]

[he clenches his eyes shut for a moment, instinctively fighting off tears, but it's no use--in this moment, he isn't raven, he isn't V, he's vergil's heart and he always has been... and this heart is breaking.

raven tucks his face into vergil's shoulder and holds on as tightly as he can, as though he could squeeze the pain out of both of them if he tries hard enough. his voice is quiet, ragged, almost mournful]

Vergil...

[auguryofinnocence]

[Any other time and with nearly anyone else he wouldn't let himself break down, but this is different. At least it's happening to both of them. His grip tightens, and even his wings fold around them.]

I'm -- sorry. That you have to see that too. To feel this.

[selfpreservationist]

[there is something about this that's so ironic to raven, even in this moment, about how he's wanted this from vergil so badly. this acceptance, this embrace, this acknowledgment of their shared history, their shared feelings, their shared heart.

it hurts so much, and he hates it, yet for all he feels like he's breaking apart, the screaming in his mind is starting to grow quieter if he focuses on vergil. on his grip, his wings, his arms holding raven tightly, the rough way his voice is coming out.

he needs this right now. perhaps they both do.]

... I'm... sorry, too.

[auguryofinnocence]

[There's something comforting about being in this together. He isn't just crying on someone else, they both need one another. No one else could truly understand how it feels as they do.]

...Now that you know it, it's not going to go away. Maybe...maybe it will be different for you. But it is always there when I close my eyes.

[selfpreservationist]

[his jaw trembles for a moment, and then he's pressing his face to vergil's neck, tears slowly trickling down]

Am not I... a fly like thee...? Hhhh...!

[auguryofinnocence]

...Or art not thou a man like me?

[He tangles fingers in Raven's hair to hold him and just take comfort in hearing his breath.]

[selfpreservationist]

[hearing those words is what finally breaks the dam of emotions, and raven shudders as he lets go and cries. it's quiet, save for hitched breaths and soft sobs, but it's cathartic in a way he desperately needs. gone is the worry of appearing weak in front of vergil--because who else but vergil would understand? he curls his fingers in the fabric of vergil's kimono like an anchor, soothed and comforted, even as his heart is still twisted in pain]

[auguryofinnocence]

[No one else could. He holds tight lets Raven go ahead and cry, it helps him not need to cry too hard himself. Though he does some, has been for a while.

Instead he goes on reciting Blake. One after the next. He'd have them well memorised anyway but Photographic Memory sure helps.]

[selfpreservationist]

[hearing those words is like a lullaby, gentle and soothing, slowly healing the wounds deep in raven's heart. eventually his crying ebbs into nothing save for the occasional sniffle. his breathing evens out. vergil's kimono is wet now, but raven doubts he minds.

everything still hurts... but it's more of a dull ache now. he takes a deep breath and lets it out, feeling exhausted.

he carefully, slowly, uncurls one hand fisted in vergil's clothes and runs his fingers lightly over a wing]

[auguryofinnocence]

[His tail curls around Raven's shoulders. His voice is soft, still weak himself. The only reason he's been speaking is feeling he should take charge for Raven.]

...Are you alright?

[selfpreservationist]

[oh... it's nice... it reminds him of when dva and noah coil their tails around him in much the same way.

his voice is rough, croaky]

... no. But... I am... myself.

[auguryofinnocence]

...It often feels as if I may not be. So hold on to that.

[selfpreservationist]

These memories... they will continue to plague us both.

[auguryofinnocence]

...Yes. I'm not sure there's any escaping them.

[selfpreservationist]

We could stop. But... that sounds too much like giving up.

[auguryofinnocence]

Stop what? Thinking?

[selfpreservationist]

Taking memories.

[auguryofinnocence]

[He scoffs.]

Not just giving up but giving in. Do you see now why I want my memories so badly? The contents don't matter, good or bad, mundane, I won't settle for having it taken from me. And stopping won't make it go away now.

[selfpreservationist]

That's... what I thought you'd say.

[kind of comforted by that. tucks his face into vergil's shoulder]