imeeji_frontstage | (no subject)

(no subject)

Who: kisses and the attached lips
Where: Game Tower => home
When: Day 73, night

[ You're summoned to the Game Tower - or maybe you're not, maybe you're too far away to get there. In any case, there's not really much at the Game Tower for you to see - winners are highlighted on the television screens in the lobby, the elevators once more locked. There are a number of radio announcers' voices as the results go by and none of them are recognizable or even very easy to focus on with how dull they sound. You can catch some of this:

" -- Heart Soldier Senshi -- not surprising that they got the most kisses, but who would have expected ☆ZRAEL!?"

"I know, right!? They really did a 180 since the last game!!"

"It's crazy! Now, here are some fan favorites -- "

" -- You voted, listeners, and your voice was heard! Who did you think deserved to win!?"

"First pick! Drumrooooooooooll -- "

"CEO ☆ S2FPYME= on future is now for his AMAAAZING game with Jigsaw! He was so intense! That's why the fans named him Intensity, you know!!"

"I knoooow, right? Oooh my goooood, it was sooo good I couldn't stop watching! Okay, next up is -- "

"Speaking of pep!pep!, you know who I reaaaally liked? A Sleeping Knight and 😘 were just like, the cutest! But it was sooo funny too, like, LMAO, a spray bottle???"

"Hahaha, I totally get it though! Guys are pig disgusting! But I totally ship the two of them, they're so good together! I loved them in the last game too ♥"

"Now, last but not least - ! BAD END=DEAD END . . . "

" . . . "

"Aaaaah, no one's surprised by that, huh!? They're so steamy with their kisses! They're so crazy! But man, the stuff that Prisoner did with Warden - I mean, their names say it all, right!? Right!?"

"I knoooww it was sooo crazyyyyyyyy!!! My heart was racing the entire time!!! You know, I totally prayed that they would kiss in the trial and then they did it here, they're soooo gooooooooooooood."

"You prayed!?"

"Yeah!?"

-- the chatter goes on, completely unimportant and fizzing out once the relevant portions have been relayed. pep!pep!, BAD END=DEAD END, future is now, ☆ZRAEL, and Heart Soldier Senshi will find not 500, but 800 points deposited into their banks. Every other unit gets the standard 100.

There's nothing in the lobby but leaves and sprigs of leftover mistletoe. You might find a few stray mistletoe around the buildings too, but they'll start to disappear with time. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

What? Is that your problem? Well, sorry you had to put in so much effort for me in this game. I wouldn't want to force you to have to take me on a date or anything.

I wasn't talking about me! I was talking about Mars! I was talking about whoever else you kissed and had a good time with! Saying "none of it mattered" is basically throwing their feelings in the trash because Oh No, I Didn't Get Noticed By Hell-Senpai!

You had a hard time in the game, you didn't win. That's rough. I know personally how rough it is to put in your all and still get nothing to show for it, but I'm not going to tolerate you saying that other people who probably had just as hard of a time as you are suddenly not worth the effort all because Hell prefers people fucking each other up over genuine human emotions!

I'm not saying they're not worth the effort! Anyway, going on a date with you or kissing Mars wasn't effort, it was easy, and fun, and it made me happy. If I'd just done that sort of thing it would have been fine.

But that's not what I'm talking about. Or what you were talking about, when you talk about being glad I had twenty kisses.

Oh for--I'm glad you had twenty people you felt comfortable enough to try this with! You always try to make it out like you're unapproachable or unreadable and have doubts and insecurities about that but twenty whole people were okay enough with you to be okay with playing this game with you and you were okay with going along with it even though it did lead to some uncomfortable things.

I don't care about the kisses--to hell with the kisses! That's not the important part of it!

You can decide that there were better ways to play it for a win, but is that really the only thing you played for? Just a win?

Edited 2018-12-24 01:39 (UTC)

If I didn't care about winning the game I wouldn't have played! I didn't think I wanted to kiss that many people. I tried, for the game. But it turns out I was right, and I didn't really enjoy doing it! And the game was apparently no reason to.

Was there even some good thing that happened that you wouldn't have expected to if you hadn't played? Or was it all just... predictable?

...Some of it wasn't bad, but... the only really good things were with the handful of people I could have told you at the start.

I'm not going to jump into making out with someone I don't already kind of know I'm interested in. There's just no way that I would be comfortable enough to enjoy that.

No one's asking you to do that.

I'm just... trying to understand. Because even if I don't do well at something, I at least tell myself "at least I tried, that's what counts". Because I won't get better at anything if I let difficulties and failure have a say.

So it's just... weird. To hear you say something like that about this game. When you're the type of person who sticks to their guns for literally anything else. And it's not like Taisho is strapped for wins, either? So why be so determined to win if it's just for the sake of winning?

Edited 2018-12-24 02:00 (UTC)

...

Because it would have proved something to myself, maybe.

I... went so much further with this game than I ever could have imagined myself going. Especially... two months ago, before we were dating, before I'd kissed anyone...? And I went further than I was really comfortable with, in some cases. And with you, and Intensity, and Mars, it was... so much. Intense, and exciting, and dramatic, and...

It just hurts! That after all of that, apparently it all still fell short on every single point. It's like... no matter how hard I try, I'll never even be close. I know a stupid game judged by stupid demons is a bad way to judge. I know that! But it's... one more thing, and I just...

[she rubs at her eyes and swallows hard]

[... okay, gonna pull her into a hug now.]

That's why I was happy about the twenty kisses. Because they are proof that you've progressed a lot. You gave it a good shot and you tried your best even when it was hard and felt bad. The judging here really isn't fair at all. And it sucks.

[wraps her arms around him and buries her face against his shoulder as she takes a shaky breath]

It's not that much proof, because I'm still exhausted and miserable afterwards. And that makes me feel gross, too, because it's like I did all that for some stupid demons that don't even care. And I hate that. I don't like making myself miserable for them. And I thought I was going to avoid it, I thought I wouldn't kiss anyone I wasn't fine with, and I didn't, really. But it still—things I thought were fine ended up weird, and it was so much, and... apparently I can't even get that right about myself.

Just because you didn't win doesn't mean you did it for the demons. You did it for yourself. Sometimes you try things you think you're ready for and you're not yet. And sometimes things go wrong when you think they might be fine. That's how it goes--there's a big learning curve, and you should be proud that you got through it once you set your mind to it, even if you're worn out and it sucks.

Don't let their shitty judging undermine the fact that you've found out new limits for yourself. Better ones. That's still progress. And you can keep working at things from here.

[... planting a kiss on her head.]

After a break from the overload of this kind of game. Even I'm feeling the need for some downtime of quiet, and you know that's saying something.

...

[huffs into his shoulder, and it at least sounds as amused as teary]

That does say something.

[gives a vaguely amused huff himself as he tightens the hug for a moment before relaxing.]

... this isn't too much for you right now, is it?

[just... occurred to him to ask. since. overload.]

...No. I told you, being with you is different.

Just making sure that didn't just apply to kissing.

It doesn't even apply to kissing, exactly, just...

[trails off vaguely]

Just?

...Everything... around it? Well, kissing people I don't know that well makes me kind of tense by itself, too. But then there's all the... do they get what it means that I'm trusting them with it... stuff.

And most of the time they don't. People either think kissing is casual affection and I'm just so cute by being flustered about it, or get confused when I'm upset it's nothing to them, or they really enjoy it and don't understand why I don't want to do more, or even... it's perfunctory and fine and they don't understand why I am so relieved.

Dealing with all that is just... stressful. And even if the kiss itself is fine it doesn't really make up for it.

That's what I mean that it's fine with you, or A, or Intensity, or even Mars. I actually want to do things with you.

... that makes sense.

I know I'm one of the more... kisses can be casual for me types, but I do know not everyone's like that. And you have a lot of reasons to be uncomfortable with physical closeness, let alone emotional.

...Yeah.

I'm... a bit jealous, of people who can do it more casually. But I still don't know how much of that I want to do, or even can.

... being so open comes with its own drawbacks, but I guess I can understand that sentiment.

But it really is okay to not know those things so quickly. And as much as it sucks, sometimes the only way to find out those things is to push yourself like you did for the game. As long as you're making progress in the direction you want to go in, though...

...I probably am. It just always seems like so little compared to where I want to be. Or maybe need to be, to deal with... everything.

From my angle, you're dealing with things fine? It's rough, but you know your current limits for now and you're good about keeping that in mind?

... where do you want to be, though?

I want to not feel like every conversation is a struggle and no one I talk to understands me, or vice-versa.

I wish you wouldn't tell me I'm doing fine when I just said I'm not.