imeeji_frontstage | intermission mingle

intermission mingle

Who: people
Where: from outside the game tower to the hotel lobby or around either building
When: Day 50, evening

[ well that was WILD. or maybe not wild for people who decided to be smart and not try to bother monsters.

there are quite a few people milling about now from the game. careful, some of them are monsters. ]

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[He has a lot of medium to shallow gouges in him but on the upside none of them are remotely life threatening.]

I haven't been trying not to rest. I could say the same to you, you know?

Don't deflect, I'm fussing over you right now.

[ Not life-threatening is good! It's a relief, but he's going to make sure they're all taken care of regardless, his fingers sometimes brushing against skin as he wraps wounds. ]

I worry about you sometimes. A lot of the time.

[Ah. Well. He quietly holds his arms up for the bandaging and doesn't react much to the touches but he definitely isn't unaware of them.]

Sorry. I didn't mean to worry you.

I know you didn't. I just wish you took care of your own emotional needs half as well as you take care of everyone else's.

[ He's concentrating very hard on what he's doing even as he's talking. ]

I'm not doing a great job of that if you're worrying this much. Sorry.

....I don't... Think I'm doing anything I can't handle. It's just everyone is having a rough time, has been having a rough time, and I'm pretty good at calming myself down, so I'd rather not make a big deal out of anything I can handle myself.

Phoenix. Phoenix. There is literally no way you would let me get away with that same logic. Why don't you give yourself a break once in a while? Just because you can handle your burden on your own doesn't mean you have to. Please. Talk to someone. Even if it's not me.

I...

[Actually well that's. True. He moves a hand to scrub his face with his palm.]

You're right. But I don't know what to say.

It's not easy. I know that.

[ He's quiet for a moment. ]

Why don't you find one thing that's bothering you and try and put it into words?

One thing...

[Ha! He leans back on the shitty couch.]

Right now I hate feeling helpless to do anything for our unit, I hate not even knowing if half of them are alive, and I hate even more that I'm almost relieved not to be part of this directly.

[ He's going to capture one of Phoenix's hands and lace their fingers together. They can hold hands while talking. ]

Those are some very relatable feelings.

[ Especially that last one. ]

Being sidelined is really frustrating, isn't it?

[Squeezing his fingers!]

Yeah. Incredibly. But worse than feeling underfoot and in the way is... I don't know. Feeling guilty that I'm glad that I'm not going through it?

That's not quite it. I mean. I do understand that being involved would just be one more person to worry about for everyone else. But I still feel like I should be... Helping, somehow, in solidarity in some way. And if I were smarter I could figure out the right things to say or do to give everyone else a bit of courage or a bit of relief.

Instead, I'm kind of scared I'm the one being looked after.

I think... Maybe sometimes there is no right answer. And it sucks, especially when you're such an empathetic person. Wanting to help but not being able to... it's painful.

[ He pauses, then adds-- ]

Is it really so bad to be the one looked after? It's not as though you're not still looking after everyone else. It can be a mutual thing.

It's not... Bad. Per se.

...

[Hm. He has come to a realization and he doesn't like it, so he's frowning a bit, looking at their joined hands and forces himself to actually vocalize it, quietly.]

I just feel like I don't deserve it.

And I don't want to be told that I do or anything. It's more like in myself, i feel like I've failed enough or not lived up to my own standards enough, that I've accidentally hurt people or intentionally done things... That it feels like, the things I'm feeling aren't on the same level, they're things I brought on myself and I should just... Deal with them, myself.

Like, if I can't deal with my own shit, or fix my own messes, it isn't fair to ask anyone else to help.

I don't.... actually think it's about whether or not you deserve it, whether or not you or anyone else believes you do. The people who love you will want to be there for you because they love you. Your feelings are every bit as important to them as theirs are to you.

And... you really shouldn't try and compare your feelings to someone else's. "My feelings aren't as valid as their feelings, aren't as worthy." Why not? What puts your feelings on a lower level?

[He rubs at his face and is quite for a bit because he knows "because I'm a murderer" is like, wrong, on a lot of levels, and also dumb to say to someone else who was a murderer by force but it's also part of how he feels and it's frustrating.]

...Nothing logical.

Feelings are never logical. Emotions don't have brains, you know. They do what they want to, regardless of what you or anyone else tells them. Even if I sat here and told you all the ways I think you're amazing, even if I called up E-san and Crow and asked them to do the same.... I know that won't help those feelings. It's not so easy to convince yourself you're worth it when all you can hear in your head and your heart is all the ways you aren't.

...I think. I think sometimes, you have to ignore that voice that tells you what a terrible person you are, that you shouldn't burden them. And it's really hard to ignore it, and sometimes you'll fail. Sometimes that voice will be louder than the people trying to reach you. But... you just have to keep trying.

Because if you keep it all to yourself, even if you can handle it and keep handling it and keep handling it... That doesn't mean it isn't hurting you.

[It all makes sense even if it's hard to apply to himself. He tries but it's hard to find any words, even words like thank you.

Eventually he just presses his face to Sanguine's chest and starts to cry.]

[ He wraps his arms around Phoenix and holds him close, a warm and solid presence for him to cry on for as long as he wants or needs to. ]

[He will in fact sob quietly for a while, getting Sanguine's shirt really wet. He needs this, and it's not all he needs but it's something, and he's grateful, he just doesn't know how to articulate himself.]

[ Eh, shirts can dry. He's not even remotely worried about that. He knows one good crying session isn't going to magically cure everything, but if it helps even a little bit...

...then it was worth trying.

He rests his head lightly on Phoenix's, tucking him comfortably there. He doesn't try and say anything to interrupt, just lets Phoenix get it all out, until the tears dry up for now. ]

[He lets himself cry out what he can right now, anyway, taking comfort in the hug and eventually wrapping his own arms tight around Sanguine.

He's tired, he doesn't know what to say, but cuddling Sanguine is comforting.]

[ Cuddling is nice, and Sanguine's more than willing to shift from hugging to cuddling. Not that it requires a whole lot of movement, but it's still nice. ]

I l-- ...I care about you a lot. If you ever need to hear that, just let me know.

[ The words come out softly, but they're sincere. ]

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intermission mingle

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