imeeji_frontstage | (no subject)

[ IF HE COULD MAKE THIS PART OF HIS BRAIN JUST SHUT UP FOREVER HE WOULD ] [ But also wow, that's. Pretty intensely awful. ]

Next time I've got a square for regrets, put me down for that too. [ Tiny squeeze. ] Could've been born on a different planet, in a different decade.

A lot of things could've happened.

But -- despite all the awful things here and how much I bitch about it, I'm glad to be here. I've never had anyone accept me for what I am before, and people here at least try their best.

[ ...That's probably not intended as a criticism. He hears it anyway. ]

You don't think I accept you?

I didn't mean it like that.

There are sides of me that almost no one has seen. I don't accept them myself, and I can't take someone else I care about telling me they're scared of me.

[ She doesn't think of this as a lack of full trust, but that's what it amounts to. ]

[ Hums. ]

...Are these memories you could show me?

[ Beat. ]

Which is a separate question, just to be clear, from 'would you be willing to show them to me'.

Not exactly. [ Their last conversation about this went terribly, so she doesn't really want to have it again. ]

Pentium told me it's best to keep things as they are. For my own sanity. I don't want to let those parts of me out, I'm too scared of them.

[ ............................frowning kind of a lot. He cares about Pentium, so much, but. ]

So, I don't fully accept you, because I might be scared by stuff you haven't told me yet? And Pentium says you should keep it that way. Is that... about right?

-- No, that's not it. I'm scared of myself, and I'm too scared to chance anyone seeing those parts of me. It's my cowardice, not anything about you.

I didn't tell Pentium either, exactly, he just knows.

[ Listening. After a moment, he hums. ]

Well. It's a risk, obviously. And I guess I can't just tell you to go for it, heh. That'd be pretty damned hypocritical of me.

[ After he wasn't willing to risk Something himself. ]

It's not just a risk. It's the idea of sharing my deepest secrets, my absolute worst moments, things I'm unspeakably ashamed of. Things that are private and painful.

The longer I keep them, the heavier they get. The harder they are to say. The more they grow into other parts of me, like roots splitting a wall or squeezing a stone out of shape. To the point that if I let them out, I think I'd be hollow.

Please, please understand, it's nothing to do with you. It's not a matter of trust, except trust in myself.

[ hmmmmmmmmmmmmm ]

That sounds like it hurts to hold in. Almost as much as it would hurt to let it out?

I don't know, maybe. But I can't say the words. I don't know if I'll ever be able to.

I've tried. Nothing comes out. It's like trying to make myself breathe water.

...maybe some other kinda outlet? Like — I don't know. Painting?

That sounds a bit healthier than I think I can manage.

[ Her plan is just to let this eat at her until she falls asleep and forgets about it. ]

[ hmmmmm are you accepting feedback at this time ]

Well, I know punching things into submission doesn't help, because otherwise we'd have it covered.

[ She huffs, an attempt at a laugh. A weak one. ]

And then some.

[ Any chance he'll let this go? She doesn't want to have this same fight for the second time in a week. ]

[ ~~First of all it wasn't a fight!~~ ] [ His smile in return isn't much better, and it fades quickly. ]

...so. I guess the important question is this:

Do you want me to accept all of you?

[ There's a tiny bit of emphasis on 'want' and a tiny bit of emphasis on 'me', and it was difficult for him not to phrase it more generally — but for this conversation that's definitely making her squirm, it doesn't really matter whether she wants anyone else to know her better. ]

[ She goes quiet for a good, long moment. It's not a stilted sort of thing where she's trying to figure out how to tell him to fuck off without being cruel, she's actually thinking about it. Hopefully he'll take it as the compliment it is -- most people would get the "fuck off" version. ]

[ On one hand, it feels really good when Pentium and to a lesser degree Caeli know what's in all the dark corners of her and embrace them. That camaraderie is unspeakably wonderful. She has her doubts that someone who's different -- human -- could ever do that, but she doesn't like that she doubts it. It would sound awful to say, and it sounds equally awful in her head. Lupine's one of the more open and determined humans she's met, and he told her that he has some darkness in him too. She doesn't think it's quite the same thing, but the fact remains that dismissing him would seem -- something beyond rude and dismissive. Degrading, maybe. ]

[ She did let Doctor delve into her feelings very recently, out of desperation, and he didn't turn his back even in the face of all that, even though in truth it was a fairly superficial dive. ]

[ Finally she has to say something, so she starts talking without much of a plan. ]

That would be wonderful... but I worry about giving myself permission to let those things out to be accepted. I'm scared I wouldn't be able to put them back.

I've very rarely been able to tell people how I see myself, the full truth of it, without them arguing with me. If I say I'm a monster, all I get is voices from everywhere telling me I'm not. But I am. Not just a predator, not just something vicious, but something evil.

[ She makes eye contact for the first time during this little speech ] Could you hear that and not debate me on it?

[ Listening. Listening... After a moment: ]

I can agree not to argue with you about it.

[ But like. He is never going to agree, without some kind of serious status ailment clouding his judgment.

~~For the record, Doc can technically buddy-bond all three of them.~~ ]

...Does that mean you'll hear me out and believe me when I call myself that, or that you'll say the words I want to hear while you clench up with how much you want to disagree?

I get why people do the latter, I really do. And it means a lot to me that they see good in me. But it won't work for this.

If I was looking to just tell you what you want to hear, I wouldn't be putting qualifiers on any of this.

[ A very crooked smile. ]

I can promise to hear you out. I definitely can't promise to ever think you're right about you being evil.

[ She's about to say something to the effect of "never mind" when it occurs to her that there might be a cheat code they can use. ]

I'm not sure if Doctor can do it, but if their feelings bond can connect two other people, would you be willing to do that? It might explain a lot that I don't have words for.

[ ~~Permission has been obtained from Mini!~~ ]

[ ~~gonna be a bummer when he still doesn't think you're evil huh~~ ]

—well, he can definitely do a bond with three people.

[ His Hunter Games 2 experience with it was — something else, though. ]

...but yeah. If he's willing to give it a shot, I'll be there.

[ ~~that will not be any sort of win in this game sadly~~ ]

I think he would be. If you're sure.

[ ~~she'll also get to feel his own self-loathing so like it should be a fun time all around~~ ]

Why wouldn't I be sure?

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