imeeji_frontstage | Mingle time!

Oh. I don't understand humans at all most of the time. [ Individually sure, but not as a whole. ]

Actual behaviors can vary on an individual and cultural level, but there's some basic stuff hard coded into the genes, usually for purposes of survival.

So if something doesn't want to live, does that mean there's something really basic wrong with them? Or is that just for humans?

I'm not sure if I'm a person at all so I don't know if it still applies.

That's usually considered a failure on a biological level, since biologically most things are wired to survive and breed, but...

That's assuming everyone operated entirely on the instincts granted to them by their genes, isn't it? Humans aren't so simple - and I doubt vampires like you are, either.

I don't think I'm like other vampires. I must be a weapon or something like that. Does that make it different? If you're 'wired' to destroy things instead of live and create life?

There are cases of creatures being naturally hunted to extinction. If the genetics can't mutate fast enough to fend off predators, the species goes extinct - that's how it goes.

But if you feel like you're specifically a weapon, does that mean you feel like you were developed by an outside source explicitly for killing? I don't think most species overhunt by evolution - if they run out of food sources, they die too, you know? And then the genes that prioritize over hunting die with them.

On the other hand, if you were explicitly bred or developed for those purposes...

Maybe. I don't know all of it. [ Her voice holds a hint of tension, unfocused at the moment, because she can't decide what she's supposed to feel about this. It'd be a big feeling, for sure, but she can't manage it. ] Maybe I was made or maybe they found me and messed with my head. But it seems like that's what I'm for, killing things.

I could show you the first memory I bought if you want. It's just me slaughtering a bunch of innocent people but a friend thought there might be more to it, like someone put me there. It's hard for me to think about details when I'm killing little children.

...

No, there's no need for that. Not when you're in this state.

But let me ask you this: if you were created to kill, do you think you should die?

If all I'm for is killing, I think I might want to die. And unless that memory is somehow fake then I definitely deserve to.

[ a beat ]

Is that the same thing you were asking?

Not really. All I was asking was... giving things a chance, I suppose.

Ah, if it turns out you don't like what I say, you can just forget about it if you want. I'm a selfish person, so in my case, I think...

Even if someone was created to kill... it would be nice if they got a shot anyway. If they could learn to resist instinct and live fully in spite of it all. It's kind of lame to just give in to your "fate" or whatever, right? Like, who gets to tell you what to do! Or something like that.

But I'm the type of person who puts a burden on others with my selfishness anyway. So it's easy for me to say those kinds of things.

I don't really understand why that's selfish of you.

And... isn't it dangerous? If I can't control myself? -- oh, I guess I didn't mention that. In the memory I wasn't in control of myself, and I don't know why. Sorry.

So that's selfish of me then, right? To want to live when I know that will happen again?

It's selfish of me because even if it poses a risk to other people, I don't want someone born for such a purpose to be killed for the crime of existing, either.

But I think living requires a certain amount of selfishness anyway. And... there are people here who are so selfless, they'd rather choose death than possibly burden or inconvenience others.

I just can't agree with that.

You're talking in generalities again, about other people here. But I'm talking about me. Specifically. [ No emotion in her tone of course, and isn't that a good thing because she would have lost it again. ] Why do you always do that?

Because it's true for you, and anyone else who was born under those circumstances.

Although as far as the loss of control goes, that's something you'll have to figure out for yourself. But even that might be too early to call - you don't understand it yourself yet, it sounds like.

It could be mitigated. Or maybe it really can't be. But either way, until you know for sure, why act like there's only one truth?

In this place at least, your powers seem to have been suppressed for the time being, so you might as well take things day by day and enjoy the good parts of being alive.

Do you know anyone else born under these circumstances? Assuming I was born at all.

You don't have to tell me who, I'm just wondering if there's a reason you said it that way. Because you saying things that way is what makes me mad. When I can get mad, at least.

...I do. I know people who were created for the express purpose of wiping out all of humanity.

Oh. Okay. [ Emotionlessness sure makes this sound like an uncaring response. She'll be horrified about it when she can be horrified again. ]

So... is it you think that my wanting to die reflects badly on those other people? I don't understand why what I do and what they do, or don't do, are connected.

I guess they're two related, but ultimately separate issues.

Firstly, I want to believe that people born to kill have the possibility, no matter how unlikely, to find a way around their natural instinct. So, if it's a possibility, I don't want them killed when it isn't completely and utterly proven there isn't an alternative.

Secondly, I don't want you to feel as though you should die because despair born from loneliness and isolation due to circumstances sucks. Maybe it doesn't apply to you, but the pattern I've observed from that kind of situation is, if someone has no one else who can truly understand their struggles, they will suffer in solitude and - quite possibly, do all kinds of things to try to escape those feelings out of desperation.

For humans at least, having others to share the burden with helps people continue onwards with the knowledge that at least they aren't alone. But I thought - if you're alone with your feelings, it could feel like an unbearable weight, and so it would be difficult to see much hope for yourself, or even want that hope if it meant continuing on alone.

[They reach the lobby, and he continues to the elevator.]

...but like I said, if you don't like it, you can just forget I've said anything at all.

I don't like or not like anything right now. I'm just trying to understand this. I don't like being mad at anyone here, because we should support each other, and I don't like being mad at you because you're Kitsu and Venti's unitmate. [ She spends a lot of her nights at sIV, he may have noticed, which is how she got into this mess. ]

When you talked in generalities about something really personal to me it felt like you were trying to prove a point, or like you were thinking of me as a science project. [ She can explain past feelings, just not current ones. ] Huh. Even if I'm not a person in the end, I guess I would want to be if I had a choice.

I don't think that's so strange. This time being an exception - you have thoughts and feelings of your own, right? And in a place like this, "person" can't really be defined by such a narrow scope as "human" anyway.

Still... pulling from past experiences, such as the knowledge of people I've known before, is just another trait humans have.

[He turns slightly to elbow the button for ☆ZRAEL.]

So all that was you trying to relate to me, or make me feel less alone? [ It didn't seem like that, but okay, she has no reason not to believe him. ] And you did that because there are people you care about who are similar? I guess I didn't understand why you would you say those things to someone you don't care about and don't really know, but if that's just how humans are, then okay.

I think I have feelings. Or an imitation of them that I can't tell apart, at least. Or else I couldn't have lost my temper at you.

[He's not going to bother correcting any of the first part.]

I would be very surprised if that display of anger wasn't real. Emotions have their uses, but I can't think of any particular advantage you'd have from just pretending to be angry at that time.

[Into the elevator they go!]

I get angry easily. Maybe I'm made that way? It wouldn't be much use to make something for killing, then have it happy all the time.

Anyway, I'm trying not to. [ Hence why she wanted to understand what the hell went on the last time they talked. ]

If that's the case, then why have thoughts at all?

If you can think, it makes sense that you would have feelings. Even animals without sapience can feel upset or content.

[And onto the landing! He'll pause by the door so she can use her phone to unlock it.]

To make me easier to control, I think? That's what that scientist guy was doing in the memory you saw, messing with my head to get me to do what he wanted. In any case, the anger is always there, the good feelings aren't.

[ She climbs down from his back, gets out her phone and unlocks the door. On the kitchen counter is an amazing chocolate cake with little chocolate mice and intricately hand decorated chocolate cookies on top. A fair chunk of it is missing but there is plenty left for sharing. ]

Thank you for getting me back. If you still want to try the cake, I'll eat some too.

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