imeeji_frontstage | maybe your memories will be... better...?

There's a difference in knowing and having to relive it with other horrible things at once.

Okay. We can watch videos. I got lots.

They weren't as significant as you think.

[Just three attempts out of- who knows how many?

It's a dull pain, all things considered.]

Stuff can still build. Especially in quick succession.

And you're significant to me, so its enough for me to worry.

[Well, he won't argue it at least. But that just means he's going silent again.]

[He's still got the youtube on.]

[Into the Hotel we go and for the elevators.]

[He remains silent the whole way, only taking the initiative to school his expression as they enter the dorm before tugging him quickly to his room.

There's significantly more space than before, even if it's still sparse and lacking in decorations for the shelves.]

[Oh.]

You treated yourself, huh?

[Did let himself be tugged in.]

Levi made me promise to before he left.

[Locking the door from his phone before taking a seat on the edge of the bed.]

Good call on his part.

[Will sit down beside him.] ....how are you feeling?

["It's a shame the attempts didn't take."]

...Crappy.

...

[He reaches up and going to pet his hair. Gauging his reaction.]

[He's tense, but he saw it coming and doesn't resist.]

So....

How much are you in shock and how much is berating yourself?

[Eyes flickering over to him, narrowed.

He's right on the money of course.]

....I'm not gonna tell you its okay.

You know its not okay.

But you also have to decide what's the step you take after that. Because there are....a few. And I'll be honest, they all suck, but its important.

...The steps I chose were to confront Chrys so he could leave me to die alone, just like Kanon said.

And then throw myself off the tower, but you already know how that went.

I don't mean that.

You hadn't taken a step at all. You were in the exact same spot.

[Fine, then.

He just looks away.]

.....he's killed someone. [Kanon]

And he knew, where you were, you weren't going to take a step. As soon as you followed through, you would be frozen in that moment. All the fear and justification would bind you to it.

Which means you couldn't change. Couldn't step. Couldn't do what Chrys did.

Fate and despair and Kiyotaka's manipulations were too strong. More over, you didn't have anyone truly in your corner. You didn't have anything to free you from that spot.

But that was then.

This is now.

Edited 2021-04-25 04:25 (UTC)

...

He was one of the most prolific killers among the Blade Children. When he became aware I existed, he tried to kill his friends so they could die as themselves.

I was always the one driving him towards death. Whether it was to Chrys' hand for trying to kill the other Blade Children, or...

[Taking the matter into his own hands.]

There's no atoning for that. And even if I go back, I'll just be a reminder to the survivors.

[And there, a small huff, not really a laugh, not really a sigh.]

I already died extending their "hope" a little. That kind of conclusion was probably best for everyone.

Let me guess, Kiyotaka had a lot of influence on him too? [He sees a pattern.]

As for atonement.....well, that's a subjective thing. Kanon said no atonement, but he also likely thought there was none for him.

Atonement is made of feelings of those involved, yourself and those hurt. That isn't a quantifiable thing. Its not one for one. Its a complicated, growing thing you can only live to know.

That conclusion is only 'best' if people are willing to cast you aside.

He convinced the Blade Children he was trying to help them be saved by Chrys. Even when they resisted, they more or less went along with his plans, whether it was intentional or not. Him trying to kill the others was as planned, too.

According to his composition, Kanon Hilbert would die, one way or another.

I didn't know many people in my world, Rye. But every single one of them was prepared to cast me aside. For the crime of being born the devil.

Yeah, sounds an awful lot like you're not at fault for his actions. Creators, Kiyotaka, himself.

Being afraid of you existing doesn't make it your fault.

Your own actions are yours, but his aren't.

But you have a lot of people here willing to fight for your happy ending too.

And if you really want to take blame for Kanon's actions....

They're all saved because someone loved you. Because you touched someone's heart and they decided you deserved a happy outcome too. And that's affected by your own actions. If you're guilty for just existing, you're a savior for making a friend.

...Levi would make friends with a rock if it displayed any kind of personality. The fact that he decided he needed to be some kind of "big brother" to me, even though I couldn't feel anything like that in return, was mostly coincidence.

You still let him in enough to know the problem.

You don't get a say in existing. You did get a say in letting him in, even if other factors got his foot in the door. There was a choice.

You can't have the negative be true and the positive false. The positive can be true and negative false, but it doesn't work in reverse. Agency is important for assigning responsibility and the positive had at least a hair of it, even if this place dragged out most if the truth for him.

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Re: Witnesses OK! cw suicidal ideation/mentions

Re: Witnesses OK! cw suicidal ideation/mentions

Re: Witnesses OK! cw suicidal ideation/mentions

Re: Witnesses OK! cw suicidal ideation/mentions

Re: Witnesses OK! cw suicidal ideation/mentions

Re: Witnesses OK! cw suicidal ideation/mentions

Re: Witnesses OK! cw suicidal ideation/mentions

Re: Witnesses OK! cw suicidal ideation/mentions

Re: Witnesses OK! cw suicidal ideation/mentions

Re: Witnesses OK! cw suicidal ideation/mentions

Re: Witnesses OK! cw suicidal ideation/mentions

Re: Witnesses OK! cw suicidal ideation/mentions

Re: Witnesses OK! cw suicidal ideation/mentions