imeeji_frontstage | (no subject)

That's how I feel too.

Besides that...

[Pausing to think about it a little, before continuing, slowly.]

Mm, all of these games are supposed to make us get into fights with each other and force us to decide on values and things... the value of our connections to other units, the value of the strength of our feelings, the value of "investing" that into units that might still lose even when we try to help them.

[As ZRAEL turned out.]

I think that... it's probably a trap. To think that there ever is an answer to "who should we save" or "who should we kill." So if there isn't a solution to begin with, I think that's an even bigger reason to be a little flexible when we can. Because there is no set "value" for any of those things, and whether or not our actions mean anything usually depends on other's actions that are beyond our control.

So... I suppose what I'm trying to say is, please don't think badly of yourself if you can't always save someone. You can imagine a scenario where we sent wed to Taisho and they returned it with wed too, but it's also possible that one of the other units could have stolen it from them and gotten them killed anyway. But whether or not we were the ones to send them "wed" or "bed," the real reason for any of this was the game itself.

[A beat. And then, a little sheepishly:]

Sorry, I went on for a while. Does that make sense?

It does, I think.

[She smiles a bit. It's a little sad still, but it's a smile all the same.]

Thank you. I'm sorry for making things difficult with everyone there.

Both of you care a lot. I think... as long as there are people who are willing to stand up for others they love, it's inevitable to have disagreements like that.

But that's alright. We'll figure it out. We might not be able to make everyone happy, and I'm sure there will be unavoidable regrets sometimes... but as long as we don't stop moving forward, I think we'll be okay.

I hope so. I don't want to argue with her about Taisho again.

I wouldn't bet on a future where there aren't any arguments at all. But if you're arguing, at least that means people are saying what they want instead of bottling it up inside and resenting it later.

Somehow I think that's the case with Wednesday. After what she said...

Some of her loved ones left recently. The details of the game might have hurt her while she was still raw.

If you don't think you can talk to each other calmly right now, it's probably okay to give each other some time to rest. It would be good for you two to talk sometime of course. But if you're both in pain, taking a break for now is okay.

I know. I knew Levi - her boyfriend. My parents disappeared for a month, so I understand her feelings. I know it's not exactly the same. Hiryuu and Leviathan graduated. They didn't just go to another program. I just-

[She makes a frustrated noise.]

Even if I could talk to her, she wouldn't listen. We'd just get in the same argument.

Edited 2021-04-13 01:40 (UTC)

Then talk to her later instead. And make sure you listen to her carefully, too.

You both want the same thing. And sometimes you won't be able to have it at the same time. But if you can both someday talk to each other and listen to each other, it might help.

There isn't any "right" or "wrong" solution. And I'm sure there will be times when the unit has to prioritize one of your wishes over the other, or even someone else's over both of yours. But - it's not like either of you want to hurt each other, is it? Just like no one else here would make a decision like that just to hurt you, either.

I didn't want to hurt anyone. I just- I knew what I thought was right, that's all. I know she's hurting, but I've never made our decisions about things that I was hurting over. When my parents disappeared, I cried and then put it away so that no one else would have to deal with it but me. If her feelings about Levi and Hiryuu are why she acted the way she did, then that isn't my problem.

[She's. A little irritated just thinking about that.]

She knew making me choose would hurt me, so I don't know what she thought I would do being forced to choose like that, but I don't make choices just because I'm hurting over my mother not being here.

[...]

Maybe, to begin with - do you think no one else here wants to help a unitmate who is hurting?

I want to help her, but not if she's going to make me feel badly for wanting to keep the one parent I have left safe.

[She doesn't mean to be angry about it.]

My mother dies. I saw it in my memories. I don't use that pain to make other people feel badly over a game. I know that I wasn't being fair and I know that she's upset because if what I said. I wish it wasn't like this at all, but I would never use my mother not being here to hurt the rest of you.

[Still as calm as ever.]

Mm, I wasn't talking about the game. What I meant was... you felt like you had to put it away so that no one else would have to deal with it.

Is there no one here who would want to help you deal with things like that?

I - no, because everyone else have our own things going on. I don't want to be a bother. My father and I both have been... grieving quietly, I guess. I want to hope that she'll come back, just for his sake. I've just been trying my best to be fine with it, so I can be strong for him, you know?

But if you're hurt like that, and you hold it in... isn't it just going to hurt more later?

People will always have reasons for doing the things that they do. Every decision you or me or anyone else might depend on a complete chance of if we're feeling happy or sad, or even just hungry.

I don't think either you or Wednesday should say feelings like that justify what you do at any time. But- I think that's just inevitable in a way, too. Especially if there hasn't been enough time to heal from it.

My second question is about the game. Do you think she said that because she wanted to hurt you?

I hold it in so that I can focus on everyone else. I still honor her. I go to the cafe a few times a week and sit and have a giant parfait by myself, because it's what she and I used to do together. I've tried to be more outspoken about not throwing ourselves to our deaths as much, because it's what she would want me to do.

[She listens quietly for a moment, thinking on what else to say.]

I don't know. I know she is hurting and sometimes when you're hurting you lash out. I wish I'd been more attentive to that before.

...

My third question is... do you really wish she wouldn't say what she wants in a game like that? Not necessarily in the way she did during that game, but at all.

Would you prefer if she kept her worries about her loved ones to herself because she was afraid that if she suggested something different, it would hurt you to hear that?

I don't wish for her to say nothing at all. If hurt feelings are unavoidable... there were different ways we could have gone about it.

[You know. Instead of bringing up her mother's feelings towards Five. Or that she should feel lucky her father is here at all.]

[A nod.]

Then, when the time comes for you two to talk to each other, you'll have to figure out how to express your worries to one another in a different way, I think.

Do you think you can do that? Maybe not right now. But someday, after you both have time to rest.

I'll try. I can't control how she responds, but I'll try my best.

I think that's the most any of us can do.

Anyway, I'm sorry about talking your ear off. Should I let you rest?

No, it's fine. I might go visit Bad End or Taisho for a while.

Alright. Take care of yourself.

...

And... if you do experience another loss like that, I don't mind listening to that, either.

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