imeeji_frontstage | (no subject)

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(no subject)

Who: Joker and whoever
Where: BAD END=DEAD END
When: post-A drama and onward through Day 76 probably

[anyway, a certain Wild Card is going to head to his room and flop face-first into his bed.

if anyone needs him, well. he's not hard to find.

how's everyone else on the unit doing?]

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... well. I didn't think of it as torture until just now, so...

[ah ha... wow.

mental stare into the middle distance]

I guess I was too out of it from the drugs.

The blood wasn't enough of a clue? I didn't think that was your kind of kink.

[Patting Joker's hand softly.]

One guard died at least. A small condolence. But, yes, it was torture.

[well, he didn't actually want the guard to die but... sees how Nine-Nine meant that to be reassuring.]

I'm more for the other way 'round.

[tmi but that's how you avoid thinking too hard about police brutality and murder, right?]

[He snickers at that.]

That aside, what other thoughts are swirling around in your head?

... the fact that I've been a garbage boyfriend, maybe.

Though I've been putting in more effort recently... bit late, maybe.

What did you want out of it? The relationship. I can only assume you are speaking of Maki since I don't know your relationship with A, but the fact that you went to take care of him sounds like the recent memories aren't swaying your opinion much.

She wants to be normal.

[... just. a face. of someone who knows that but like...]

If she wanted "normal", then she's involved with a lot of people who definitely don't fit that bill.

I think "normal" to her is just... "not what she experienced". Which, when you're trying to explain "there's no such thing as normal"... doesn't help the confusion and the frustration on either side. Especially since I don't have any experience with being an assassin--that would fit her terms for "understands normal things" but... I'm not? Normal.

[case in point: those memories]

And I don't really want to be. And I don't want her to be someone she's not. But I can't be the one to say one way or the other with that--it's something she has to figure out on her own. Without me.

If anything... her comparing herself to me has been a problem. Especially when it comes to emotional things. Even then, I'm not normal--or the average, I guess is more accurate. And it's not fair to her to keep holding me up as a standard.

No, you or CEO definitely are not normal. Not by a long shot. Gold is normal. Silver is normal. Out of Bad End.... ha! I don't think any of us are normal. Maybe Phoenix.

For as much as we butt heads, Joker, your heart is in the right place. I think you enjoy focusing on the big picture. How to change things. Isn't that what your little band is about? Is that what you want to be? If so, then yes, normal isn't for you.

[Leaning back and looking up at the ceiling.]

Maki's had a shitty life. You've had a shitty life. I want you both to find a better life. Together? Separate? That's up to you two. You need to both figure out what you want.

... I think what I want--what I wanted wasn't the problem.

The problem is that I... lost track of myself. How to reach out to people. Not too unlike how I was before the Phantom Thieves first got started.

And I think... my mistakes early on--those weighed things down. Maki said she'd forgiven me for those things, but I don't really think that was completely true, in some ways. We were both kind of waiting for my next big fuck up, in other words. Even when I've been making big strides in helping myself... trust wasn't really there. On either side.

... probably didn't help that that haunted house happened just days after we first got started. And how we were after was different from before, too.

When we had that bad run of games, Maki was always around to help out--but part of that was because of her issues with Taisho. And I never really got to balance that out by returning the favor because the one time Maki was hurting, it was when everyone was going monochrome, and I figured... being around someone who was going through the same thing and she had the best memories with was preferable...

But that was assuming and wrong. So... I dunno. I was pretty garbage at evening things out like that, too.

I think I know what I want, and I've always been pretty certain about it. But it doesn't require us being together, necessarily. So... it's fine like this.

Trust wasn't there on either side...?

[Listening to him. Nothing in this is especially new information, but information given with a different perspective.

Taking a moment to process it all before he replies.]

So what is it that you want?

... I just want her to be happy.

And I wasn't living up to that, myself.

You might consider amending that.

[For all the shit he gives you, Joker, you aren't half bad. Letting a genuine smile cross his features as he squeezes Joker's hand.]

You should both be happy. You're a resourceful guy, Joker, you'll figure out how to achieve that for both of you, dating or not.

[what the hell, 99. genuine things are noticeable?!]

... that's what I'm hoping for. Just... have a lot to work on, for myself.

Edited 2018-12-31 07:56 (UTC)

Don't be too hard on yourself. You aren't a bad person, Joker.

Not being a bad person doesn't really mean much if I can't do right by the people I care about, you know.

Yes, that is important.

But do you think you do right by yourself?

... is this a trick question?

No. I'm being serious.

Nine, we literally just watched me get shot in the head because I dared to fight back against the guy who fucked my life over.

Think my concept of "doing right by me" is kind of...

That's your memories. While that is you, it also isn't you. At least you don't have the whole story about you.

I'm talking about here in Idol Hell.

Doing right by me was summoning a demon so people I cared about wouldn't disappear.

There we go. That's a better example. Point made.

What's right by me according to me and what's right by me according to people who like me is kind of a weird scale.

They are two separate problems. You show a lot of self confidence Joker, but I can't help but feel its been shaken recently. I'm trying to determine how bad. But maybe it hasn't been at all.

... it's been like that for a while...