imeeji_frontstage | (no subject)

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(no subject)

Who: Joker and whoever
Where: BAD END=DEAD END
When: post-A drama and onward through Day 76 probably

[anyway, a certain Wild Card is going to head to his room and flop face-first into his bed.

if anyone needs him, well. he's not hard to find.

how's everyone else on the unit doing?]

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... I think what I want--what I wanted wasn't the problem.

The problem is that I... lost track of myself. How to reach out to people. Not too unlike how I was before the Phantom Thieves first got started.

And I think... my mistakes early on--those weighed things down. Maki said she'd forgiven me for those things, but I don't really think that was completely true, in some ways. We were both kind of waiting for my next big fuck up, in other words. Even when I've been making big strides in helping myself... trust wasn't really there. On either side.

... probably didn't help that that haunted house happened just days after we first got started. And how we were after was different from before, too.

When we had that bad run of games, Maki was always around to help out--but part of that was because of her issues with Taisho. And I never really got to balance that out by returning the favor because the one time Maki was hurting, it was when everyone was going monochrome, and I figured... being around someone who was going through the same thing and she had the best memories with was preferable...

But that was assuming and wrong. So... I dunno. I was pretty garbage at evening things out like that, too.

I think I know what I want, and I've always been pretty certain about it. But it doesn't require us being together, necessarily. So... it's fine like this.

Trust wasn't there on either side...?

[Listening to him. Nothing in this is especially new information, but information given with a different perspective.

Taking a moment to process it all before he replies.]

So what is it that you want?

... I just want her to be happy.

And I wasn't living up to that, myself.

You might consider amending that.

[For all the shit he gives you, Joker, you aren't half bad. Letting a genuine smile cross his features as he squeezes Joker's hand.]

You should both be happy. You're a resourceful guy, Joker, you'll figure out how to achieve that for both of you, dating or not.

[what the hell, 99. genuine things are noticeable?!]

... that's what I'm hoping for. Just... have a lot to work on, for myself.

Edited 2018-12-31 07:56 (UTC)

Don't be too hard on yourself. You aren't a bad person, Joker.

Not being a bad person doesn't really mean much if I can't do right by the people I care about, you know.

Yes, that is important.

But do you think you do right by yourself?

... is this a trick question?

No. I'm being serious.

Nine, we literally just watched me get shot in the head because I dared to fight back against the guy who fucked my life over.

Think my concept of "doing right by me" is kind of...

That's your memories. While that is you, it also isn't you. At least you don't have the whole story about you.

I'm talking about here in Idol Hell.

Doing right by me was summoning a demon so people I cared about wouldn't disappear.

There we go. That's a better example. Point made.

What's right by me according to me and what's right by me according to people who like me is kind of a weird scale.

They are two separate problems. You show a lot of self confidence Joker, but I can't help but feel its been shaken recently. I'm trying to determine how bad. But maybe it hasn't been at all.

... it's been like that for a while...

You seemed to bounce back so I had assumed you were on the mend.

So did I... I think is part of the problem.

[rubs at his face.]

... I dunno. Sanguine and Silk both said something about it back when the Princess game happened but... I thought I was doing okay. And I wasn't.

But they aren't all necessarily wrong. You know how I feel about the demon summoning, but you can't discount that it worked. It stopped people from turning into the audience. Though there was some permanent side effects that of course those assholes didn't tell us about. But it still worked for all I gripe about it.

But perhaps what you need is a sounding board for your decisions. Someone you trust to give you a second opinion. Do you have someone like that?

... maybe?

I mean... probably.

I just. Haven't.

[winces a bit]

And things like summoning the demon, I mostly didn't talk to people I thought would talk me down.

That might be what you need. Someone you can take any idea to, even the bad ones and you feel comfortable with it.

... maybe.

[certain person comes first to mind but hesitation...]

Try it. It really might help.

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