Morning☆Glory (Harukawa Maki) (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rollplayinghouse) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
imeeji_frontstage2018-12-02 02:42 pm
rollplayinghouse) wrote in imeeji_frontstage2018-12-02 02:42 pm
how we doin, Taisho
Who: Taisho (and anyone who wants to check on them)
Where: Taisho dorms
When: Day 66, late morning
[Maki ultimately spent the night at Future is Now, but in the morning she finally takes everyone's advice and returns to Taisho. She is fully grayscale at this point, and also looks... a bit darker, maybe? Like she's standing in a shadow, or someone moved the brightness slider down slightly.
She changes back into a Taisho outfit before coming back to the common area.]
So... does anyone have thoughts on doing better at unit unity.
Where: Taisho dorms
When: Day 66, late morning
[Maki ultimately spent the night at Future is Now, but in the morning she finally takes everyone's advice and returns to Taisho. She is fully grayscale at this point, and also looks... a bit darker, maybe? Like she's standing in a shadow, or someone moved the brightness slider down slightly.
She changes back into a Taisho outfit before coming back to the common area.]
So... does anyone have thoughts on doing better at unit unity.
no subject
The way I see it... saying something like that to you would have been like trying to guilt-trip you into acting differently for my sake. And I've seen enough of that from others here to know I don't want to do that myself.
But I didn't decide what your decision meant. You told me why you did it. Those who managed to advance in the tournament would save their unit, and you chose to forfeit... As a result, we weren't healed. What good is it to say it?
no subject
I would rather feel guilty over hurting someone I care about than for you to resent my actions without me ever knowing. At least then I can try to do better by you.
no subject
I know I shouldn't be upset because you chose to die instead of kill someone else, regardless of who it was. You are like this. I could have done it, but I didn't make it past the first round-- that was my mistake, saving us should have been my responsibility, and I still regret that I couldn't. Maybe if I'd been carrying my sword, I...
[narrator voice: he wasn't carrying it because he still felt bad for slapping fox during the monster game]
...Anyway, I thought if I said something, if you changed your future actions because of something I said, it wouldn't be something that came from your heart. So... it'd be meaningless. We were supposed to understand your choice, you expected me to understand. And I expected something else. If I'm upset because of what happened, that's my problem, not yours. Just like this "show of unit unity." Things are only for show, and I should understand that. There is no "us."
no subject
Moreover, do you think all of my decisions are made without any input from others? Do you think I only ever listen to myself, and myself alone? Do you think I don't find my friends' opinions worth listening to?
no subject
okay]
No, I didn't mean that.
no subject
You have been hurting for a while now, haven't you?
no subject
...
no subject
no subject
no subject
What about now?
no subject
Now?
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
Good! Express that anger! Show me your true feelings!
1/2
and then]
no subject
Don't tell me to be kind to someone who didn't care that I died, when all she's good for is to come crying when she needs us! I didn't just die, my ribs were broken and I was blind for five days! You didn't even ask me how I was, or apologize for what you did either! Instead of that, you went away to check on other units. So you don't get to talk to me about kindness!
no subject
What is it you wanted from us, Sol? Tell me! What is it you wanted me to do? Did you want me to kill A? Would you have felt satisfied by knowing I murdered someone for your sake?
no subject
I don't want, or need you, to murder anyone for my sake. This isn't the first time I've been hurt. I decided to show up to that game, same as everyone else. But that doesn't mean I have to play along and act as if what you did could possibly be called selfless-- there is no good choice in a situation like that. You had to kill others to get that far anyway, so this isn't really about murder either.
Everyone who shows up to games is making an informed choice to be there, so there are no victims there, Fox. A knew he could die just by showing up, same as you and me. The problem was that I assumed the well-being of your unitmates would be more important than the well-being of someone unrelated to most of us, since you said you were acting to prove something about how much Taisho mattered to you.
My bad.
no subject
You're right. It was a selfish decision. I wanted to prove to Taisho that they were worth saving--worth getting my hands dirty for. But I was terrified of what was going to happen in that game. I wanted to push forward, but the more I advanced, the more afraid I became. Afraid of myself and what sort of person I would become afterwards. And when I saw A... someone important to Maki and Boss, someone I want to be friends with... my resolve failed me. I had my sword on me, I could have fought him. But I didn't. I selfishly wanted to keep him safe, so that my unitmate and my friends would be happy--and to preserve the chance that one day, we could be friends, too.
None of that means that Taisho doesn't matter to me. The health and well-being of my unitmates matters to me. But as you said, there was no good decision to be made in that scenario. I made a selfish decision, and I am sorry you and the rest of this unit had to pay for it. But do not accuse me of not caring about you, about any of you. I care so, so much.
no subject
I really shouldn't have to say any of this.
no subject
Sol, please. I am trying. I have made so many mistakes since I first woke up. But I want to do better by you. I should have been more concerned with you after the game, yes. I should have checked in on you. But I just... I didn't know.
no subject
I said too much.
[takes a few steps away from the table]
I'm sorry you ended up finding out about this indirectly. I thought I was doing what was best for both of us. And it's not like I don't believe your intentions were good, but... I need some more time to be able to see things that way.
no subject
... very well. Take your time.
(no subject)