imeeji_frontstage | (no subject)

Yeah, I heard Viggo and I had to pay attention. He's been a whole thing in my memories. [He waves a hand in the air.]

Didn't...quite expect the end surprise. [His hand flops back down to his side. He studies her a few moments and then move over to sit down beside her.]

You didn't want to tell me about it, did you?

Yeah, I could tell. It seemed like there was this. Whole thing.

[ But she doesn't remember the rest, of course, since it was her first memory with Viggo. She doesn't linger on the Viggo part. Turns her attention downwards in rare Astrid form. ]

I had an idea - I hoped anyway. [ He might notice the way her fingers hesitate over her ribs. It's not a secret from him now, afterall. She'd hoped she wasn't a complete muttonbrain.

Her attention snaps up at him at the question brows furrowed: ]

What would telling you have done, Hiccup? You're happy. That's all that matters to me.

Edited 2022-10-29 00:21 (UTC)

Yeah. Its a whole thing.

[He looks at her hand, and he purses his lips, tapping the roof. He looked forward.]

How much do you want me to tell you? About my....interpretation of our relationship that I've been operating under by now?

And...my relationship with the others?

[ ... She's not sure what the point of it is, rally. She thinks she knows the answer to this whole problem - and it's not a problem. It just is. Even so, even now, she'll always listen. ]

[ She shrugs her shoulder and glances at him: ]

You can tell me what you feel is important.

Edited (changed necessary to important) 2022-10-29 00:41 (UTC)

[He's silent a minute, eyes closed. He's not avoiding it, just him trying to think of how to answer.]

The first one was Miya. To have a label. I actually had pretty intense encounters with them in that game where I lowered my inhibitions, and the labels came later. But Miya was the first because Miya goes for what she wants without hesitation. She decided she liked me, she asked me, and she is....so much my type. I said yes. She also has others she was seeing because she's actually a dragon and she didn't see a reason to deny herself people she wanted.

She graduated.

The next was Hurricane. That had started as something casual. We had similar likes and it was more about stress relief. But we were friendly beyond the stress relief and we saw each other when we were vulnerable and we got closer. Some games...pushed us to express vulnerabilities that we were hesitant to, but we did admit our feelings. He had someone he loves more than anyone else that isn't me and he loves Izanagi too.

He is currently on the run from production because he is the hero type.

Then there is Izanagi. Remember the dream game I told you about? My first game was to go into that for Izanagi. And he absolutely hated it, because he hates being vulnerable to someone before he's ready and he was not ready for me to know that much about him. He's also one of the people who told me that it was impossible to not trust me because of my earnestness. It was always this back and forth where we would be in a fight or getting along and he helped me a lot, and I eventually got through his walls. Izanagi also has someone he loves more than anyone else, and he loves Hurricane.

And he's still here.

And for as long as I've dated them, they have seen a lot of my memories.

And every single one has been insistent we were dating. The whole time. Even before I realized how intense my feelings were. So they have been under that assumption.

I wasn't. Not because I didn't have feelings.

But because I looked at you, and you were amazing. You were important to me. I could not be half the person I am today if not for you. Ask me who the most influential people are in my life, and right away, its you and Toothless. Every memory I have, I either have a crush, or I'm falling, or I am in love. But I looked at you and all I could see is you could have had anyone you wanted, and I didn't believe I was so lucky that it would be me.

[ For as much as she claims impatience, Astrid is surprisingly patient on waiting out when something is important. She doesn't turn her eyes to him as she waits, just stairs out at the never-fully fading sky. Her hands pressing into the roof of the building as she does. She'll wait as long as necessary to hear him out. ]

[ And then he begins speaking. She wants to hear what he has to say, even if some of it's overwhelming. Of course she knew about Izanagi and had an idea on others - he'd practically given it away back then. But it's strange to listen to him talk about them. Maybe a part of her expects to be jealous, but she's not. How can she be? ]

[ She's not sure what to do with the information or what she should say on it. How he coped with being here isn't something for her to comment on. And so she doesn't, not for the moment, and not if he doesn't insist on it. She focuses on the last part because to her - it sounds like she's talking down on himself. ]

Well, that's pretty stupid of you.

[ Said bluntly, as nonosense as she ever might in a moment like that. She turns her head towards him, to really look at him for a moment and raises a hand: ] It'd never matter what you believed you deserved. I could have chosen anyone - I still could choose anyone. I'd like to think I'm a pretty good judge of character.

[ That part, that part she says lightly because she knows he might not have had the full picture - they don't really now either, but it feels important to say. Because if there's one thing Astrid knows is she doesn't put effort into a situation that hasn't earned it.

She tilts her head away, not really to look away precisely - but to consider: ] I don't have the full picture, but I think I know enough to say that. You know, besides the obvious one. [ Because he viewed the memory, but she felt how intensely she did the entire time. ]There was only one person I wanted there when I was blind. There's one person I was worried about more than anyone else during the attack. There's only one person I wanted to find after winning the dragon races and I'd...

Like to believe that I wouldn't just get this if it wasn't for someone important to me, someone that I planned on being around the rest of my life. That kind of important.

So you're right; I could have chosen anyone. I didn't.

Edited 2022-10-29 03:30 (UTC)

[Rye hadn't been sure where this conversation was going to go, but he hadn't been quite ready for This.]

[Rye's self esteem is a complicated thing. He believes in his own skill. He likes himself, he knows that because he's seen enough people who simply Do Not. He's not in denial about liking himself. He had value.]

[The problem had always come in when it came to Other People. That was where he stumbled. Thinking people saw true value in him as a person, would want him, would choose him, without some great effort on his part, it seemed impossible. He always had to 'earn it' when it came to other people. Constantly. Once was never good enough.]

[And of course the body issues.]

[Its a problem, its something that has concerned his loved ones, at least the ones who ever noticed it. Most simply didn't.]

[So he isn't expecting this, and his face gets redder the more she talks, and he glances away, looks back to her, and away again. Because]

[He doesn't think Astrid is lying. He doesn't believe she'd say all that lightly. She certainly wouldn't get a tattoo of HIS NAME lightly.]

[Because she chose him.]

[Like others chose him.]

[For reasons he does not understand in the least.]

[But they did and that was...]

[That was a lot.]

No. No, you apparently didn't. [And he. Laughs. A disbelieving sort of sound.] I was happy I just had you in my life. I was content with that. I had this amazing person who was brave, stubborn, fiery, who was scary in a good way, that was brilliant at strategy, and protecting what was important, and a lot kinder than her temper might lead people to believe. Someone..,

Who understood me. Better than myself sometimes.

[ It's a lot to say and maybe she hadn't fully realized it until saying it - Of course, Astrid had spent the better part of days wondering about that stupid tattoo. Maybe a part of her is hurt to see she's the only one to have it, but it's fine. This isn't about her and she'll always, if ever, push on. She has to. ]

[ She's not lying, though. Astrid is, if ever, an honoest and straightforward person - It's why she takes it seriously even if his response makes her roll her eyes good-naturedly. ]

Yeah, well, someone has to get through that big head of yours.

[ It's playful, if for a moment. And while her arms relax slightly against the roof she looks away to hide the way her cheeks color; The Nadder instinct preens in the flick of a tail, but she shakes her head, focuses: ]

So. No. It doesn't matter what you believed because I chose to believe in you and you don't get to say something like that like my choice didn't matter. [ She nudged him with an elbow then, before silencing for a moment. She's quiet, because Astrid hates feeling like she's running away - it's more difficult to talk about her feelings without getting angry in some ways. Rather she likes it or not she's an emotional person. She exhales, finally: ]

I wasn't going to tell you. [ It's not a secret, he guessed it, but she shrugs her shoulders: ] I guess I could have been scared I'd be rejected if I did - [ She looks away. ] I mean, it's not like you owe me anything or you belonged to me. I didn't want you to think I expected anything. Maybe this place has it's bad points, but you're happy here. You're excited, you've got ideas, you have people -

[ She does look sheepish - ] The scared part of me might have just accepted that you'd want to leave Berk and whatever happened behind. But it's more than that. When I saw you were happy enough, even here, it felt. Selfish, like adding an unneeded complication if I did say anything. There's already always so much going on here and the Production clearly thinks it's pretty funny - But whatever their aims are doesn't matter to me.

I want you to be happy, Hiccup. Whatever that means for you and however you want that to mean. [ And perhaps that was the most scared part of her, knowing just how loyal she was to someone she barely remembered. ]

Edited 2022-10-29 23:17 (UTC)

I know. [He smiles ruefully.] I do some pretty muttonheaded things when I get too stuck in here. [He taps his temple. He's remembered enough consequences to know sometimes he does need someone to just give him a reality check.]

Your choice mattered. Your choice always matters. I'm not- [He pauses, pursing his lips, hands kind of waving vaguely.] There's a lot that goes on in here. [He waves at his head.] That-I know where it came from. Why its like that? Everyone tells me its wrong, and I can kind of see why they think that, but its hard to believe it, and its-its a mess.

But. [He sighs.] Your choice matters. Your belief in me was one of the most important factors in my life turning out the way it did. [Toothless and Astrid had been the turning point in his life. Without both of them, things would have never changed. Toothless changed his mind, Astrid gave him the courage to change everyone else's.]

[He listens as she talks. Her fears and its...funny in a strange way. How worried she was. Its almost impossible to imagine. That Astrid was afraid he'd reject her. Like he ever could. Though he could see some of her fears.]

I don't want to leave Berk. [The simplest thing to say, as he stares out to the horizon.] I do want to explore. I want to see things. I want to know what more is out there. And there was a time I did think about leaving Berk forever, but a lot of that was also tied into... [He gestures to his head again.] Now? I don't want to. Not forever, not even that long. I love Berk, I love our people, its home. Just because I want to see more doesn't make that less true.

As for you... [He looks to her. He hesitates and then he reaches out for her hand.] I want you to be happy, Astrid. I spent all this time thinking you didn't chose me, and I was still happy to have you in my life. The thing I absolutely can't lose is your friendship.

But you don't have all your memories, and I am a complicated situation which is fair to not want to get in the middle of, especially with that.

We don't have to figure out what we are now. But. Izanagi and Miya both approve. Hurricane is both with his own sort of Astrid and I know him well enough to know he wouldn't approve. He's just like that.

So whatever the answer is, is the one we figure out with each other. I'm not going to reject you and I'm not going to push you to make a decision before you're ready.

[ Astrid chooses to listen for one long moment. She gets it in a way. The Hiccup she's remembered is the one who's come more into himself - But she can see it in the fringes. Uncertainty, but it's a part she wrestles with in the moment. She gets it, but also: ]

Because it's easier to see what you think everyone else thinks about you than what you can be?

[ A question more than that - Said simply. But she doesn't quite look at him, either. She knows she's silly in her own right. There's a strange mix of feelings; the newness of being here, the feelings within memories. Not enough to paint a whole picture, but enough to temper her feelings and ideas of things. ]

[ Fearing he'd decide what he found here was better than their home was something more on her forefront of opinion.

Her mouth becomes a thin line. ]

Well, anyway, I'm not sure who else I would have chose - Snotlout is definitely not an option. [ Said a touch wryly, and while she feels his hand she doesn't retreat from it. Doesn't look at it either, as a leg kicks against the edge of the roof and tail does a twitch of something. ]

You'll always have me. I mean, if this place can't take that away I don't know what well. [ For the touch of light-heartedness that's in her tone, she remains serious as she adds: ] ...But you're right. We're in two different places. I have ideas, I can't deny how I felt in the memories I do have -

It's still a lot, though.

[ A beat and she exhales. ] I'm glad you've found people who can make you happy here. And as long as I'm here I'll be here in whatever capacity you need - but... I don't think it'll ever be in that capacity.

[ She looks at him and then away, frowns: ] I just mean. I'm sure I - We'll remember more with time of who we were but I think while I can appreciate you found people to be happy with here.

That's not me, I'm not interested in the same things. This whole stupid game has been hard because so much of this feels like it should matter with someone important. And how casually people are willing to go with it while saying they're in a relationship - That's not me. The idea of being in it just makes me - [ jealous - ] feel silly.

[ Which is also part of why, perhaps, she wouldn't have said anything ever; He's happily in an arrangement, she knows she's not exactly the easiest person/quick to anger/jealousy (if not the extent of the latter). ]

Besides, I don't think I could ever be happy here. Not really.

[He considers that for several long moments.]

More...I can see what I can be if I'm on my own. That sort of thing, I can get a clear picture. But what I can be with people, that's a lot more complicated.

[That's when the doubt comes. He can make great things, he can figure out problems, he can do a lot to keep himself and Toothless safe and accomplish things. But the thought of being chief, of being someone so relied heavily upon by others...that was a lot more uncertain.]

[A lot more terrifying.]

Honestly? I could see you and Heather together. That would not have surprised me at all. [He knows Astrid was willing to lie to him for Heather and that is a big deal. So it seemed a reasonable option.]

[He listens, nodding thoughtfully. He squeezes her hand again and then he lets go, to lean back against his hands as he looks at the sky.]

I'm not sure I would say I'm happy here? Its...there are things here I can enjoy, that is true. There is a lot of fascinating things here. I've learned and experienced a lot I couldn't at home.

But. [His eyes grow distant.] I have had to watch people I love torn apart. Terrible invasions of their souls and violations of their minds. For as long as I've been here, I'm stupidly lucky to have only died once.

I have memories in my head that aren't my own. Horrors beyond what I would have ever imagined. Being the plaything of higher powers who torture and hurt people and being unable to do anything to stop it, to save them.

I have had people die in my arms and its not a warriors death, its not with honor or glory, just for someone's sadistic pleasure and because of their bad luck.

When I saw you, I was happy. I had missed you, a lot, and it was impossible to not be happy to see you.

And I was also devastated because I know what this place does to people and I would never wish that on my enemies, let alone someone important to me.

Part of why I'm fine with these games is because it took so long to get a forge, to get my other means of coping because I love learning things, but I love being able to do things with what I learn and I didn't have a means. All I had was flying for real stress relief and it wasn't enough to keep the stress at bay.

So when I essentially drugged my shame out of my system and won my first kissing game and realized people found me attractive? It was a way to deal.

It was a way to feel good for a little while, and I took it.

There are a lot of people here like that.

[He sighs, a hand coming up to rub at his face. Before he just lets himself fall back to lay against the roof entirely.]

But you're stronger than me. Just...I didn't want you to misunderstand. This place is not a good place.

I just found the good things in an actually terrible situation. But everytime I learn something new, I'm constantly thinking of how I could get it for Berk, so that our village can have a better quality of life. Because that's home.

I don't know.

[ She considers as she thinks about it, kicks the foot again. ] Who you are with other people and who you are on your own doesn't really have to change. If you saw someone drowning when you were alone versus with a group of people does that really change? Who you can be is always there, even if you don't really see it.

Even if everyone else doesn't really see it yet, either.

[ Said in response before scoffing at the follow up. ] Me and Heather? It's not that she's unattractive - but we're friends. Besides, I think we're a little too alike for that to go anywhere longterm.

[ It's the impression she gets, anyway. Besides, Heather clearly has different interests for Astrid. ]

[ But the conversation moves on and for a moment she realizes she might have said something wrong. She wasn't trying to imply he was exactly happier here. She doubts anyone is. Even in her short time here, as much as she tries to be supportive and not let it get to her - There's still a lot to think about at all times.

But she listens to him and waits. And while part of her knee jerks at the idea she might being scolded, the more empathetic side of her waits. Listens. Tries to understand, knows it's not to make her upset and he's just trying to explain something. Still, when he moves to lay backwards she glances at him and then away. ]

That's - Not what I meant. I'm not trying to undermine everything you've been through. Maybe I haven't been her nearly as long as you, but it's not like I don't know or don't see the scars left behind. I've told you before, I don't begrudge or think little of anyone for what they need to do to get through life here.

I was just saying - You've found your bits of happiness here. With them. With learning about something new, seeing this world. Even if it's difficult or took a while, you have so much going on here. It's difficult to not see why you might choose a different, similar world to go to then Berk if it has all of this without being here. You found what works for you to keep you sane around here, and I'm happy for you for that.

That's all.

That is true for some things. Like helping someone, that is an action you can take on your own. That doesn't require other people for you to make the decision. The only thing other people change is someone might act faster than you.

But when you have to lead people...that isn't just you doing what you'll do. You have to consider more than what you want.

Eh, I'm just saying, I could see it. Maybe you're too alike, but I think you guys have a good balance too.

[He looks to her as she talks and he looks to the sky again.] ...okay, that makes more sense. I know you had a bad game already, but I don't know. Maybe you thought I was that masochistic or something.

I know Izanagi wants to invite me to his world. He wants to bring all the people he cares about to his world, its his selfish wish. But...he's also never made the offer to me directly. Because he knows that no matter what, I am going back to Berk. He knows I can't live in another world.

Visit, sure.

But Berk may cold, the food might be tough and tasteless, it might not have many books or cool technology...

But its where my heart is. Family and friends and home.

I'm not going to leave it behind.

Maybe and maybe not. You can learn to be a good leader, but a great one was someone who already was thinking about all of those things.

Sure, if you want someone's butt kicked.

[ She muses at the idea - Not really sure. She doesn't remember Heather all that much even if she knows they're reunited and friends after everything that happened on Outcast island. Not enough to really say. ]

[ She lifts a knee so the heel of her foot rests against the roof. Her elbow resting on it as she listens. Maybe some part of her feels relieved, but she ignores it. ]

Berk is Berk. [ She says it simply, because it's the easiest answer. ] Sorry, I guess I'm just being silly.

[ but then she has plenty to work through on her own. ]

Wow, way to boost my confidence. [Dryly.] It took a while for me to really think like that. I was pretty selfish for as a kid.

That too.

Its not silly. I know I can talk a lot about things that get me excited. It makes it seem like I don't really care about much else. They can distract me pretty thoroughly, I'll admit that. Its lead to misunderstandings before.

But that doesn't make the important things less important. And Berk is important, always. Just like you'll always be important, whatever we are.

[His voice is softer.] And if friendship is all you want, then I'm okay with that. [He can't say he isn't disappointed, but he's only had her feelings confirmed a short while. He had already made peace with it being an unrequited love before that. So it is something he can accept, especially with the way things are.]

Let me guess, the big-headedness?

[ Said lightly enough. Met with a good-natured roll of her eyes, teasing. But it doesn't linger. ]

You do talk a lot; It's not a bad thig, but it can be hard to keep up sometimes.

[ The response makes her color slightly and she sighs, more of embarassment. Shifts her head into the crook of her elbow to hide the way her cheeks flush heatedly, more at annoyance at herself than him. ]

That's not it. [ Despite herself, she's told herself she wouldn't back down from things anymore. ] There are just some things you know about yourself, you know?

And I know that the idea of sharing someone I'm with - that's a recipe for certain disaster. I couldn't not be mad... or jealous. [ Possessive. ] So. No, it's not what you're thinking.

[ She's sure if current memories are anything to get by, she'll feel more later but even so she adds. Wants to say, but doesn't verbalize that is what she was getting at - She knows she's not an easy person and that's how he's found happiness. She'd rather put aside her own feelings knowing it's just complicated. It's why she would have said nothing in the first place, chance or no chance. ]

Edited 2022-11-09 04:38 (UTC)

Oh, if only. I think my dad might have been able to handle me better then. Now it might have been factor, but I was going through a lot. A lot of growing pains.

[He shrugs a shoulder.]

That's pretty normal. Most people don't really keep up, even the ones who do understand the subject I'm talking about. [He just goes on a tangent and it can easily be a lot, just in volume of words alone.]

There are some things you do just know.

Kind of surprised, though maybe its just how my own mind works. Different perspective. Like, I get being possessive. [He doesn't need her to say it.] I'm not really jealous, but I am at least a little possessive.

Its just from day one, there's always been this understanding. There is someone who will 'win.' Izanagi and Hurricane both have people who could ask them to give up everything, and they would. Miya is a bit of an outlier in that regard, in theory, but she's also a dragon and that....does make a difference in my head.

But they also know if I was asked to choose between them and Toothless, then I would choose Toothless. It wouldn't be a painless choice, I would hate to make it, but I would be lying to deny the choice I would make.

Not! That I'm dating Toothless.

Despite what some fans like to think.

But meeting Toothless was the single most important moment of my life. Protecting him was the one time I would have left Berk forever.

Well, it seems like you grew up well enough so it's all worth it.

[ Is that a casual compliment? Maybe. Who knows. She won't say anything more on the matter. She decides not to comment further on his talking which is - Probably for the best given how. Her tail flicks like an anxious cat rather she wants it to or not (and she doesn't).

She doesn't want to explain herself because it doesn't really matter. Right? So she focuses on him instead with a huff of a laugh: ]

I mean, no one could make you choose between them or Toothless. Even I know there's no competing with a dragon. Especially Toothless, there's no use trying.

[ Maybe it's the fact she knows she'll always be second to a dragon that makes her feel that way? No, she knows Stormfly is just as important to her. ]

Besides, I remember Stormfly remember? But your relationship with Toothless is something different from all of that so you can't really compare the two.

[He blushes at that.] Well...I like to think so? [At least personality wise. Body issues are a work in progress.]

Basically. There's no use trying. People can get close, but hatchet to my head, I know the choice.

[Even if Astrid gets real close. Astrid was only as impactful because Toothless started him on a different path.]

Can't I?

I mean, how many wives or husbands would ever accept being second to...anyone? Besides their kids, but that's a whole different thing. Not even just maybe its possible, like if someone was forced to choose between a spouse and another member of their family.

Pretty much the first step with a relationship with me is the hardest potential decisions has a definite answer.

Well, I hate to break it to you, Hiccup, but I'm not just anyone. I'm a Dragon Rider. You know I'd do just about anything for Stormfly - [ like punching a poisonous dragon in the stomach knowing it's fatal, look ] - but it's still different.

Someone can be important to you and just as in different ways. I'm definitely not thinking about kissing or even doing more than that with Stormfly. I sure hope you aren't with Toothless. And that's kind of my point - They're important, but it's still different - so

[ She takes a breath, but doesn't turn her head away to look at him, it's still in the crux of her arm; ] Of course, I would be jealous in a place like here where a task is a choice - the only danger is losing a game - and someone I'm with on an intimate level would choose to do those kinds with someone else when I'm right there.

Edited 2022-11-09 05:57 (UTC)

[He turns stark red at the 'hope you aren't' because his fans are, in fact, THE ABSOLUTE WORST and he makes a dying wheezing noise, an arm going over his face.] No, no, I'm not. [But he's sure seen some Graphic Images About It, thanks fans.]

[Though he is listening and...trying to wrap his head around it, he supposed. Maybe its because he's never felt jealous about someone being intimate with another? Did he never feel it back home? He certainly didn't here, specifically because of how the relationships went about.]

[The emotional part seemed like a far bigger deal. It was a bigger deal. It was a lot harder to ask Izanagi to be his boyfriend then to sleep with him.]

I think my perceptions really have gotten skewed over time.

[ That really is a reaction from someone who's never thought about something like that. She shifts from her position to glance over at him with a raised brow: ]

Do I want to ask?

[ It's amost purely a rhetorical question - She actually does not want to know, thank you. But the silence between what she said and him thinking about it, to the answer makes her feel - Something. Silly almost, but not enough so. Tail flicks, and then stands on end. ]

Well, you said that was how you coped. [ She shakes her head. ] But that's not me. Besides -

[ She doesn't have the axe she gave him with her right now, though she usually does - Just harder to carry around with wings. But she does (?) use Living Forge to summon an axe into hand. ] As long as I have this, I'm fine.

[ She's not fine, actually. But as if to prove a point she gets up and throws it at the nearest roof - a small self-satisfied smile when it lands. ]

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I'M SORRY i decided i hated the ending there and it was too close to the first one

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