imeeji_frontstage | zombies don't like tea and are not valid

[ Her sarcasm sailed neatly overhead, but possibly her terrible mood is making it difficult to read her tone. ] Caeli keeps pushing me into new things, but if I minded that much I'd be more forceful about declining. I get a little embarrassed about things I'm bad at, that's all.

In the same way, company is good for me at times like this. When I avoid people it's not because I want to be alone, it's because I think I should be miserable.

Then I am glad that you have friends to turn to in spite of those urges.

I won't pretend it's easy, but it's getting easier to manage myself the longer I'm awake. And I think I've hurt the people around me quite enough for one cycle.

[ She's tired, which is unusual for her, so she doesn't notice her casual references to her waking/hibernation cycle until she was done speaking. At which point she winces slightly, unsubtle as ever. That's what she gets for making a habit out of referring to it. ]

One cycle...?

I'm afraid I'm not familiar with the term.

[ Yeah figures, she should learn to keep more distance between brain and mouth ]

Uh... well. It turns out there's a reason I acted like I did when you first met me. This isn't my first time with amnesia.

My species hibernates, sort of like a caterpillar becoming a moth. I get a few months awake, then I sleep for several decades, and when I wake up I don't have any language or memories or personality.

[ So Venti's probably going to need to bring her with him as a carry-on rather than a passenger when he graduates. ]

I start out hyper-reactive and childlike, then the longer I'm awake the easier it is to focus and think straight, until I start sleeping more and more until one day I just don't wake up.

So you are like a phoenix - being reborn again and again from your slumber.

. . .

Do you lose the memories of these previous cycles?

[ She just stares for a second. She never thought about it like that... he makes it sound more romantic than the embarrassing truth. ]

-- Yes, I lose all my memories. Everything. Aside from being here and buying them, I haven't seen any indication that I ever get my past memories back.

I see.

[ He puts a hand to his chin, thoughtful for a moment. ]

I know now is not necessarily a good time to begin such an endeavor-- but the loss of memories is not something unknown to those closely tied with the geo elements. It is fairly common to lose everything but the most impactful memories over time.

Perhaps we could discuss methods on what can be done to preserve the memories you wish to keep between cycles.

Oh? [ This strikes her as vaguely familiar, perhaps something like what was happening in Zhongli's Ideal World game. ] I'm sorry for that.

[ And she perks up at the thought of possibly preserving some of her memories, but scolds herself not to be too hopeful about it. ]

I'd certainly want to consider anything that could help me keep some of my memories. Venti offered to write some songs for me, and someone else offered to build me a headset that would record things from my point of view. I appreciate both of those, but if there's anything else...

As hard as it is on my to loose my memories, I think it's harder on those around me. So for everyone's sake, I'll try anything.

No need to apologize. Even the longest lived being ages and succumbs to time. It is but a part of the cycle of life.

As for your own memories - it seems your friend has the right idea if you wish to replay them as you experienced them. Photographs and video of your previous lives would be invaluable.

But more than that, I was wondering if there were things you would wish to pen to your future selves. The things that you wish to carry from this life to the next.

I'd like to, but -- I'm not sure how much good any of that will do. When I wake up, I can't focus, my emotions are volatile, my senses are easily overwhelmed. I destroy things. So it will be a while before I can focus enough to really take in any of what I might write or see of my past, and even longer before I can take good advice to heart.

It's like raising a child, really. A very dangerous, willful child.

You say that as if it is such a terrible thing.

[ A pause, she never considered it anything other than terrible, so to think he wouldn't is... odd. ]

Well -- yes. It feels terrible and frustrating and overwhelming while I'm going through it, and it's embarrassing to remember at the very least.

I suppose I have quite the skewed perception of it.

I found you quite endearing when we first met during that drinking game. And I never tire of watching those grow into their potential.

Your perception isn't skewed, and I'm glad you thought so.

It's frustrating, though, knowing that any progress I make in growth or maturity will just get erased and by the time I start gaining it back, it'll get erased all over again.

Yes. Fate can be quite cruel in the most unusual of ways.

Sometimes we can do naught but walk through the door that it leaves open for us.

I certainly don't see any other choice. Especially since I don't think I'll be awake long enough to graduate. [ No wishes for this gal ]

[ That is a ... terrifying thought actually. ]

Are you wary of the choice a future you might make?

Actually, yes. Since I don't have much by way of a personality, I'm heavily influenced by whoever finds me and spends time with me. If that's the wrong sort of person...

[ This is her theory about whatever caused her to massacre that town from her memory. People were there trying and failing to manage her, she was wearing a hospital gown; it makes total sense that those people brought her there and then lost control. ]

Quite understandable.

Then perhaps might I ask the question in a different way. Is there a wish that you would like a future you to make, should you be given the opportunity?

If there was some wish I could make to bring peace to those I've harmed and ensure I wouldn't hurt anyone else, that would be what I'd wish for.

[ Was she about to do something horrible and self-destructive before Venti offered to take her home with him? Absolutely. No one should claim to be surprised. ]

Then if that is your bidding, for as many times as you are reborn as a phoenix and for as many times as you have to relive those painful memories, I will try to help you remember that wish for as long as I am here.

-- Well, [ About that "being here" thing ]

I'm sure he probably mentioned it, but Venti offered to bring me back to your world with him when he leaves.

[ She'll almost assuredly be asleep by then, but the salient point here is that she's checking Zhongli's temperature about it. Venti was pretty casual about the possibility that she might do much damage there, and she believes him, but if Zhongli thinks this whole plan is a bad idea then she'd really have to think about it harder. It might be enough to change her mind, even desperate as she is to land somewhere she'll be safe and have other immortals around. ]

zombies don't like tea and are not valid

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