imeeji_frontstage | (no subject)

...I don't know.

I thought talking to Doodle about why I snapped at him before would help, but...

[ the eye goes. more black, as she frowns ]

I think he's... really upset about totally different stuff right now. I dunno what, really...

...

I don't... really know what to do, honestly.

...

Everyone's always upset about stuff. It just seems like it never actually matters when it's me.

So what should I do that I'm not doing? For you.

I can't make anyone else change, and Ashley agreed to stop being a jerkwad last I talked to her, but... She's not here, so that's one problem off the table, right?

...It is one less problem for me.

But that's cruel to say to you, right? Because she's important to you, and you're hurt that she's gone.

You've been trying to be there and to appreciate me, and everything, and I'm thankful. But... you have your own problems, and I don't want you to put your feelings aside in favor of mine.

Yeah it sucks and I miss her tons but it's. True, right? You'll be happier without her, Nem'll be happier without her, s'not like I have anyone I can like, actually be upset about this whole thing to so it's best if I just suck it up.

... anyway, I'll be the judge of whether or not your problems are too much on top of mine at whatever time, so if I put them aside that's my choice. Okay?

It's not okay when I already know you think it's a good idea to just ignore your feelings if you think they cause trouble for people.

It's not gonna kill me to focus on someone else for a little while.

...It's not like I even have any real problems at the moment. Half of them just got transferred.

[ quiet for a moment, rubbing an arm.

But. ]

Well-- that's good. Things are starting to look up.

Mm. In a way. Not in a bunch of other ways, but I actually... had a good day, yesterday. That's why I even tried to work things out.

Try again when he's not just lost his girlfriend and he's working through feelings stuff.

... feelings might be heard for you but they're worse for him right now. Not having hurt feelings, I mean, just the fact that he's like, becoming a person and junk when he wasn't before.

[visibly bristles, and bites out, sarcastic]

Oh, really? How terrible. Good thing that's not a problem for me!

[—then she swallows back emotions again and starts over, slower and calmer.]

That's what I mean when I say... it's always like that. Like with Ashley, too... You all keep saying "she's just stupid" like that makes it better, but it doesn't. It makes it worse.

It's not like she said anything she didn't mean. She doesn't think of me as a unitmate or as someone she cares about. That much is obvious, even if you made her back down. But I can deal with one unitmate who doesn't like me. That's still better than I was doing on Taisho. And she's gone now.

The part I can't deal with is that everyone keeps acting like I'm supposed to be the better person and just... get over the fact that my unitmate doesn't give a shit about me and was deliberately cruel about some of the most important things to me, because she's some kind of idiot child who can't be held responsible for her own actions. And acting like that should be obvious and no big deal and there's no problem expecting me to do that. Like it's surprising I'm even upset about it. Even while everyone talks all the time about how everyone values each other and everyone's feelings matter. Even though she hurt me deliberately and I don't have any reason to think she wouldn't do it again.

It sure seems a lot like my feelings don't matter. Like no one actually cares about those "unconditional love and support" platitudes when it's me. Ashley's fine as an idiot child, Doodle can freak out and want to protect the people he cares about, but I guess I'm just supposed to be a competent, understanding, unfeeling robot all the time, because the moment I have an emotion of my own I'm apparently doing something wrong.

...I can be a competent, unfeeling robot. But that's... not why I joined this unit.

Dude, don't snap at me when I'm trying to help.

The best way I manage to deal with everyone when they're being a dillweed is to deal with them on their level. Zrael is full of a bunch of weird bumbags with weird feelings about weird things so in order to wrangle the answer or action I'm looking for-- or what I ultimately think is the best or healthier decision-- I usually have to figure out their specific way of feeling about something first.

I never said anything that Ashley did was good or right, but if I sat there and went "you're wrong now apologize" she would have just laughed me off and I wouldn't have gotten anywhere with her about you in the first place. Doodles is wrong but I'm not going to disregard his feelings, either, because ultimately with him it comes down to the fact that he isn't a person like you or me, and he's terrified, and a terrified animal is one that bites. Kinda like you, I guess. You feel cornered and bite too, so I'm doing my best trying to figure out how to not corner you when I talk while still being open to acknowledging that everyone else has feelings too. I've known them longer-- I'm still adjusting to you. So I'm trying, okay?

I don't want you to be a dumb robot otherwise I would have told you to join these vaporwave nerds. And I don't actually think you're capable of it to begin with cuz you're human and humans are full of feelings all the time.

But when it comes to "unconditional support" and all that jazz-- I don't know, Maki, that's how it was when I told you you should just join us! I'm not a freakin' psychic! I couldn't have looked forward a month and been like "oh haha actually it's gonna be a huge trashfire better not!" How was I supposed to predict this? But that's not even the point! The point is "unconditional love" is still a thing and I love everyone on Zrael, dude. Maybe not all the same level, but I do. And part of the love of the others is still loving you even when you fight or get angry. You don't stop loving someone just cuz you think they did something stupid otherwise I wouldn't love Doodles at all. And the others do stupid junk ALL THE TIME and I don't like it, I don't like Doodles effectively being a murder weapon or Red wanting to "lovingly" kill us all in games now or Ashley having a stupid death kink or you having hurt me too before but I love you all cuz you're mine.

But I didn't come here to fight and I'm not here to monologue explanations at you so I'm stopping that now. You don't have to do things my way-- I'm just saying that's what works for me-- and you don't even have to love everyone if you don't want to. Nobody's going to be angry at you. Now that Ashley's gone, nobody thinks you don't belong.

I just came to make sure you were okay and see if you staying away from us a few days again, that's all.

Edited 2019-07-17 17:22 (UTC)

It's not that I don't care about everyone! That's not what I was saying at all! Everyone on ZRAEL is important to me, and I try to support and help them and understand their feelings all the time, even when they're stupid!! I told Doodle I wasn't mad at him, and I wasn't! I understand why he acted the way he did in the game!

The problem is that whenever I get upset about something, I get told to stop it, I'm hurting someone, I should just get over it, it's not a big deal, it's not as bad for me as for them, and I can't possibly expect anyone to change how they are for me. Every single time.

Didn't mean to say you don't care about anyone, just responding to the "unconditional love and support" bit. I don't think you don't care.

[ takes a breath. ]

When's the last time I told you to stop it or get over it? Just because I'm trying to be understanding to everyone's side doesn't mean you need to get over anything. Or that I want you to. I'm trying my best to understand you too but I seem to just make everything that much worse at the same time, so I don't... know what to do, when things get like this.

You told me Ashley was just an idiot and I shouldn't react to it and give her any attention. You told me I need to be nicer to you so you didn't feel like you did something wrong, when I said I wasn't even angry with you, I was just worried and upset. And just now you told me not to try to have a conversation with Doodle while he's "working through feelings stuff," like that's not literally always and like I'm not also working through a lot of things, and that his feelings are worse than mine, when you just admitted you don't actually understand how I feel.

Edited 2019-07-17 18:04 (UTC)

[ ah

that eye starts shifting from solid black to yellow again. her shoulders go a little tense ]

Well-- I'm sorry for asking you to be nicer, and I know I definitely haven't done it since, cuz I know now it just makes everything worse. And for trying to help you manage things with Doodles better the only ways I know how, and I won't do it again. I'm sorry. It wasn't helpful at all.

... but I'm not wrong about Ashley. I'm standing by that. She was wrong to tell you to leave, and it's not like I didn't say something when it happened. But fighting and reactions is what she wants and if she wants to act like a tantrum-y toddler you gotta treat her like one. She's not a good person so trying to work with her like she is one or that she's at all reasonable is just going to make you hurt more. That's why I talked to her in the first place, cuz I know what to do to get her to do what I want. And she was gonna do what I wanted, which was, at the very least, be more accepting of you. But it doesn't matter now anyway, cuz she's gone and I doubt she's coming back.

So I'm sorry. I'm sorry I don't understand, and maybe I'm not trying hard enough or something. I don't know. Things get better for five minutes and just go to shit again and I don't know what to do anymore.

You really don't understand, because we're still not even talking about the same thing! I'm not looking for advice on dealing with everyone! I don't want to hear what I need to do to handle Ashley, or to manage things with Doodle, or to be careful I don't accidentally make you feel guilty about something, or whatever else I need to do to make people feel better! I do that plenty!

I don't I should be able to make Ashley be reasonable. Or that you should. If she's an idiot child and doesn't like me and there's nothing I can do about it, I can deal with it. I just said that. But I can't just not be upset by it.

Sometimes I'm hurt, and I would like anyone to to care about helping me feel better, and not just tell me why I shouldn't be hurt or why everyone else's feelings are more important than mine. I don't see why that's so hard to understand.

I came here for you! You're the one that brought up Doodles, so I thought you wanted to talk about it or something! I try to explain the way I handle things, because you accused me of not caring, but apparently to you it just comes out as "suck it up cuz I really for real don't care" anyway! I asked you what I could do that I'm not doing and you didn't give me an answer, you just said I shouldn't put my feelings aside to help you when that's clearly exactly what you want, and what I'm trying to give you, because I want to! Because you're here and now and important and my feelings about Ashley ultimately don't fucking matter when she's GONE.

It's hard to understand because even when I try to do things the way you want, I still get rebuked. So I don't know what you actually want me to do. I try not to dwell on my own feelings when I'm trying to help you cuz that isn't going to do anything for you, in general. I try to offer advice or other solutions so you don't end up more hurt. But I never once said-- especially not today, and not since we fought over your live at the very least-- that you had no right to be upset, no matter what you think I said.

I don't want you to put your feelings aside to help me! I've told you that a million times, but you don't ever listen! You just decide you're clearly doing something wrong, and if you just ignore your feelings harder and do things Righter, everything will somehow be okay! And that's what you're trying to do now! And what you're trying to tell me to do, too!

But I don't want that. Nothing will ever be totally okay. I just want us to both care about each other's feelings, and talk about them. Work together, and work through them. Figure out things we both want, and do them. The reason it feels like you don't care is that it sounds like being reassured you're not failing me is more important to you than even knowing what my problem is.

I thought I did know what your problem was, but I was wrong again. And every time I'm wrong things get worse cuz you get more upset, so I don't think I'm-- I don't think being worried about "failing" you isn't fair, sometimes. And just because I wanna focus on you and help you feel better doesn't mean I'm ignoring my feelings forever, but, like.

[ lowering her voice. a bit. ]

If I focus on my feelings too much I'm just gonna end up spiraling and getting mad and sad and I don't... want to be in that place again.

...

[Maki also deliberately drops her voice, making an effort to stop yelling.]

That's the thing, though. Being wrong doesn't mean you're failing, and me being upset about one thing you say doesn't mean everything is terrible. It just means we need to talk about it more.

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