imeeji_frontstage | (no subject)

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Who: future is now and maybe visitors?
Where: future is now
When: Day 138, morning

[ A young man wakes up in his bedroom. It just so happens that today, Day 138, is the date he will make his idol debut in Imeeji Idol Productions! Although it was ten years, three months, and two days since he was given a name, it is only today that he will be given an idol name!

What will that new name be? ]

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You told me Ashley was just an idiot and I shouldn't react to it and give her any attention. You told me I need to be nicer to you so you didn't feel like you did something wrong, when I said I wasn't even angry with you, I was just worried and upset. And just now you told me not to try to have a conversation with Doodle while he's "working through feelings stuff," like that's not literally always and like I'm not also working through a lot of things, and that his feelings are worse than mine, when you just admitted you don't actually understand how I feel.

Edited 2019-07-17 18:04 (UTC)

[ ah

that eye starts shifting from solid black to yellow again. her shoulders go a little tense ]

Well-- I'm sorry for asking you to be nicer, and I know I definitely haven't done it since, cuz I know now it just makes everything worse. And for trying to help you manage things with Doodles better the only ways I know how, and I won't do it again. I'm sorry. It wasn't helpful at all.

... but I'm not wrong about Ashley. I'm standing by that. She was wrong to tell you to leave, and it's not like I didn't say something when it happened. But fighting and reactions is what she wants and if she wants to act like a tantrum-y toddler you gotta treat her like one. She's not a good person so trying to work with her like she is one or that she's at all reasonable is just going to make you hurt more. That's why I talked to her in the first place, cuz I know what to do to get her to do what I want. And she was gonna do what I wanted, which was, at the very least, be more accepting of you. But it doesn't matter now anyway, cuz she's gone and I doubt she's coming back.

So I'm sorry. I'm sorry I don't understand, and maybe I'm not trying hard enough or something. I don't know. Things get better for five minutes and just go to shit again and I don't know what to do anymore.

You really don't understand, because we're still not even talking about the same thing! I'm not looking for advice on dealing with everyone! I don't want to hear what I need to do to handle Ashley, or to manage things with Doodle, or to be careful I don't accidentally make you feel guilty about something, or whatever else I need to do to make people feel better! I do that plenty!

I don't I should be able to make Ashley be reasonable. Or that you should. If she's an idiot child and doesn't like me and there's nothing I can do about it, I can deal with it. I just said that. But I can't just not be upset by it.

Sometimes I'm hurt, and I would like anyone to to care about helping me feel better, and not just tell me why I shouldn't be hurt or why everyone else's feelings are more important than mine. I don't see why that's so hard to understand.

I came here for you! You're the one that brought up Doodles, so I thought you wanted to talk about it or something! I try to explain the way I handle things, because you accused me of not caring, but apparently to you it just comes out as "suck it up cuz I really for real don't care" anyway! I asked you what I could do that I'm not doing and you didn't give me an answer, you just said I shouldn't put my feelings aside to help you when that's clearly exactly what you want, and what I'm trying to give you, because I want to! Because you're here and now and important and my feelings about Ashley ultimately don't fucking matter when she's GONE.

It's hard to understand because even when I try to do things the way you want, I still get rebuked. So I don't know what you actually want me to do. I try not to dwell on my own feelings when I'm trying to help you cuz that isn't going to do anything for you, in general. I try to offer advice or other solutions so you don't end up more hurt. But I never once said-- especially not today, and not since we fought over your live at the very least-- that you had no right to be upset, no matter what you think I said.

I don't want you to put your feelings aside to help me! I've told you that a million times, but you don't ever listen! You just decide you're clearly doing something wrong, and if you just ignore your feelings harder and do things Righter, everything will somehow be okay! And that's what you're trying to do now! And what you're trying to tell me to do, too!

But I don't want that. Nothing will ever be totally okay. I just want us to both care about each other's feelings, and talk about them. Work together, and work through them. Figure out things we both want, and do them. The reason it feels like you don't care is that it sounds like being reassured you're not failing me is more important to you than even knowing what my problem is.

I thought I did know what your problem was, but I was wrong again. And every time I'm wrong things get worse cuz you get more upset, so I don't think I'm-- I don't think being worried about "failing" you isn't fair, sometimes. And just because I wanna focus on you and help you feel better doesn't mean I'm ignoring my feelings forever, but, like.

[ lowering her voice. a bit. ]

If I focus on my feelings too much I'm just gonna end up spiraling and getting mad and sad and I don't... want to be in that place again.

...

[Maki also deliberately drops her voice, making an effort to stop yelling.]

That's the thing, though. Being wrong doesn't mean you're failing, and me being upset about one thing you say doesn't mean everything is terrible. It just means we need to talk about it more.

[ looks a little embarrassed, maybe. that eye's shifting from pure yellow to yellowish-neon green. ]

... yeah. Yeah, that makes sense.

[distracted by her eye for a moment... maybe it's a cool gadget thing of some kind...?

then she huffs a sigh.]

...Sorry, that... there's probably a lot more talking to do. I think we're coming from pretty different perspectives. But I do... care about you. Even if I get upset.

[ intensity DID make it, so, maybe!!! ]

I said it the last time, of course I care about you too. ... I don't lie about junk.

Mm. I know you do.

[ eye seems to have settled on that bright green, just a shade lighter than her normal eye.

she hesitates a moment, rubbing her neck. ]

Are... you gonna stay here? Then?

...For a little bit, at least.

Alright.

... I'll see you later, then.

Yeah.

Thanks. For coming by.

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