imeeji_frontstage | BINGO ENDGAME

BINGO ENDGAME

Who: Idols
Where: The game tower
When: Day 101, noon

[Precisely at noon, your bingo app chimes again and doesn't take any more input. When you look up, you find yourself in the game tower again. When you look down again, your phone shows:

Thank you for playing BINGO! Winning units are pep!pep!, WILD CITY, Heart Soldier Senshi, AlcheME!, avante en garde and BARiTONES! Congratulations!

Then the app shuts down and is gone from your phone.]

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[Coming to find her after the game has ended]

...oh!

[scrambling quickly, clutching at the edge of her skirt]

Intensity!

I'm heading back to the dorms. Take as long as you need to finish up here.

...Uh-huh, okay...

[It won't take her very long anyway before she heads out.]

[He's sitting in the main room when she comes back, jotting something down in his phone. Or upon closer inspection, just pretending to]

[When she makes it back, she's still clutching at the hem of her dress (not really noticing his mysterious invisible phone text), rocking back and forth on her feet for a moment as she tries to figure out to speak.]

Um . . .

[Turns off his phone and tosses it on the table]

Do you want to sit?

[Shakes head.]

Ummmm...I've got ssstuff. To say. If that's...okay.

Then go ahead.

...

[Rubs her nose.]

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to use you for the game like that for the apology. I wasn't really thinking about the game, I promise! I just wanted to say it right away, but I guess it looked like I didn't care very much...sorry if that made the game unfun.

And I'm sorry, I got mad. Umm, it isn't like I didn't mean what I said about wanting to stay here, that's not the part I wanted to apologize about. I was very serious about it! I even thought about it a lot!

But I didn't consider about how unhappy you must have felt at the time. I didn't think about it at all. I usually do! And if I had, I'm sure I wouldn't have gotten mad like that. I knew you were saying those things not because you were trying to be mean, but because you cared . . . and I couldn't control those feelings anyway.

[Now rubbing at her eyes.]

I'm sorry I didn't think about your feelings.

[There is a flash of that anger rearing up in his expression again before he manages to school his expression back into something flat and only generally irritated]

If this is going to turn into some "I have to tiptoe around your delicate feelings" bullshit, then you haven't been listening to me at all.

I'm not mad that you got upset with me. I'm not even mad that you disagreed with me. But I am fucking mad that you walked away as if the conversation wasn't even fucking important enough to have with me.

Oh, . . . that is what I mean though. I don't mean that your feelings are too soft or I gotta be careful around you now! But I should have been able to talk to you then instead of just leaving.

Because I know what your feelings are like. And I know what kind of person you are. And I didn't think about any of that! That's why I'm sorry. It probably seemed like I didn't trust you.

[shakes head]

But it isn't like that! I do want to talk about it with you! Everything then just felt so bubbly inside and that feeling wouldn't go away, I never really felt something like that before.

But of course I think it's important!

So then--- What do you want to say? Now that you've thought about it a lot.

[Taking a deep breath first.]

I'm choosing to stay here for as long as I can. I know what that means. I know that it means I will have to leave my kingdom behind for a little while longer. It also means I will have to continue to do things that are painful. And it means I will not get to see Walnut and the rest of my friends for a while.

But I know what it is like to live in a world that is trapped by walls and ceilings. It is familiar and comforting, but it is not as free as this world feels. And even still, this world is just as much of a cage. And where there is a cage, I have to find the rest of the world. That is what I did at home, that is what I want to do here. And I trust those that are home to survive. They have managed to do so every time we went exploring through the labyrinths. I know they trust me, and I know they would not be upset if I chose to stay. Of course there are risks, we all know it, but we trust one another that we will overcome them.

And the risks are worth it if it means I can see everything happen with my own eyes. The ones who are really responsible for these scars . . . I want to see them. I want to know why they run the world the way they chose to. There are questions that I have, too. What makes someone really popular? Why did they choose idols? Is it because they have forgotten to smile, too? I want to be able to know how I should feel about them which means I have to stay.

. . . But I was really sad when you seemed so upset that I wanted to stay. It felt really lonely? I know you trust me, I know that I am important, of course I know all of these things! But maybe it felt like you did not trust me to trust myself. I have pride, too, you know!

Of course, now I know those feelings are silly. I am not upset like I was earlier so it is easier to think more clearly. I know that you do not truly feel those things. You never treat me like I'm stupid or that I can't learn to do things on my own. Since the beginning, you always let me figure out things on my own as much as you can! But that's also why I was so confused when you didn't really accept the choice I did make.

At the end of this journey, I want to be there standing next to you. It is important to me.

The scars on your face are just the beginning, Angel.

When I visited your soul... one of the rooms was your throne room. It was warm and strong and proud. I could feel how protective you were of that place and your kingdom and the people that you invited to sit with you at the table. Just by sitting in your chair.

But there was something else there. A huge fucking gaping hole in the floor. And when I got close to it, I could feel it. The lingering violence of whatever ripped open that space. The horrible uncertainty of not even knowing what was taken.

If you stay here, you risk losing even more. Do you think you'd be happy if people spoke the name of your kingdom, and you couldn't even recognize it? Or if you couldn't recall any of the people who traveled with you? Can you really say that the risk of asking a fucking producer what makes a person really popular is more important than that?

And I'm not saying that just to pigeonhole you into just being the ruler of your kingdom. You were never just that. I wouldn't reduce you to something so basic.

A big hole in my soul . . . a throne room . . . I do not think I ever thought about what souls looked like, but I do not think I would have guessed everything that I've heard.

[Every time she hears about her soul, she wishes she could visit it herself.]

I would not be happy, no . . . but I also wouldn't be happy never seeing the producers face to face. Oh, it isn't just about asking that particular question though.

The question is just an example. The point is that when you meet the producers, you’ll want to try to talk to them. Understand them. After they’ve done nothing but hurt you and put you in impossible situations.

It makes me uncomfortable, Angel.

That is true. But I know that maybe I will never understand. I know because I have wondered about the same thing with my brother, too.

[cccclutches dress tightly, body tensing]

I already know. If Dawn has already lost all sense of his humanity then I'll have to kill him. That's the feeling I remember even if I don't exactly remember why.

And you’d willingly put yourself through that not once, but twice. I can’t speak to your world and Dawn, but the odds that there is going to be a miraculous non-violent solution to our situation is slim. Or that we’re going to walk away from this with no casualties.

Yes. I’m not a stranger to having to fight so that does not bother me. Casualties...I don’t like death. So I want to be able to save every person I can. Even if it is only one.

And still, the slim chances exist, too.

If that's how you feel... Then I won't get in your way. Even if I don't agree with it.

Oh . . . okay.

[nods, but]

. . . are you still mad at me?

No. Does it seem like I'm still mad at you?

No, no...I just wanted to make sure I talked about all of the important stuff, and didn’t miss anything...

It's fine.

Go rest, Angel. You've probably had a long day.

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