imeeji_frontstage | (no subject)

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(no subject)

Who: maybe YOU?
Where: the hotel
When: Day 78, evening/night

[Sure, we've got plenty of unit posts, but what about everything that doesn't fit into one of those? Feel like making yourself a snack? Want to have an emotional outburst in the lobby?

Mingle away, folks.]

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[puts his hands around the cup of tea, staring into it.]

I've... put a lot of energy into trying to make sure everyone feels comfortable here and like they can be open with their feelings. And I've never really felt like I've succeeded. But now it seems like there's... some cohesiveness again, but it involves... a mindset I can't approve of. And I'd already been wondering if maybe the problem was-- if the issue's actually been me, all along.

... do you think that I belong on sensitIV?

I don't think that the issue is you, at all. You've done your best, even in the face of...everything.[his lips twist a bit ruefully.] ...I know that I've, ah, contributed to that, and I'm, ah, sorry.

I think that you, ah, do. Though you and, ah, Lavender, are better than the rest of us perhaps deserve.

But if what I’ve done my best towards is different from what people actually want...

[he trails off.]

And everyone keeps saying that. That I’m a “good person.” I’m not, really. I’m bitter and selfish and I hold grudges. It’s starting to feel like... I don’t know. A way to point out, “oh, see, this is why Anubis is different than us” or “this is why Anubis won’t understand.” Because I’m a “good person.” When all I want is for people to generally not cause suffering or try to kill each other more than this place forces us to. That shouldn’t be difficult, I think...? But if it’s another thing that separates me from the rest of the unit, then I don’t know how I can belong.

It really more, ah, sounds like an excuse to not have to explain anything to you. But I don't, ah, know, since I haven't really had the chance to talk to...anyone...about what's happened, since I keep napping at odd hours and miss people.

...for what it is, ah, worth, I'm certain that Lavender agrees with you, fully. I have, ah, been trying as well, but...[just. sighs.]

You listen to me, at least... which I appreciate. And Lavender-san... mm, you're probably right, but he's so hesitant to speak up about anything that it's hard to know.

[also sighs.]

People are... starting to refuse to let me heal them. It happened in the game -- Nemesis-san and Hurricane-san wouldn't even lower their weapons until I left the area. And apparently when B-san offered bring some people to us for healing, they said no. If... that's how people see us, then I don't know what sensitIV is anymore.

...I'm, ah, not surprised by people refusing to let us heal them. I expected it, after the trial, at least for most of us.

But I didn't, ah, expect it for you, since you've been the best-liked of any of us. But then...ah.

[a bitter little giggle, just barely more than exhaled breath.] Broken and untrustworthy. Useful, until now we're not.

[just. sighs.] I don't, ah, know, either.

[firmly:]

None of us are broken. Not any more than anyone else in this place. And if any of us feels that way, we'll support them.

I just don't know how to make everyone see that.

I don't know, either. I wish I could, ah, help there, but I don't know, either.

[just quietly going to fold his hands in his lap.] ...'no more than anyone else in this place'. We're just, ah, more obvious about it.