imeeji_frontstage | (no subject)

[you're getting a text:]

Boss: if now's not a good time
Boss: tomorrow or whenever's best for you... can we talk?
Boss: fair warning that if it's now i'm still a bit... scattered

[...]

Maki: Now is fine. If you think you're ready.

[...

oh boy.

gonna be. a long pause.]

Boss: where do you want to meet?

Maki: The usual building?

Boss: ok
Boss: half an hour?

Maki: Sure.
Maki: See you then.

[boy has taken that time to change out of the shitty suit and gather up the outfit in a bag which he, along with a couple of books, turns up... bringing with him. and wearing this outfit sans jacket.

he looks... well, shitty. but seems coherent and alert, albeit exhausted. also bruised. like. a few people have definitely punched that face]

[Maki has also clearly cleaned up, and is wearing her Taisho outfit properly now. She looks a bit tired herself, though actually refreshed somewhat since the end of the game.

She's quiet when she enters the building.]

[setting the bag down at his feet, but. keeping the books in hand. trying not to fidget, really.]

Hey...

Hey.

[she leans against the wall across from him]

[he stays where he is and... seems to swallow a lump in his throat, taking a breath and letting his expression fall. almost like taking off some kind of mask--just letting on how raw everything still is.]

... Maki, I hurt you. I know I did. It wasn't my intention but--... anyway, whatever I intended, I still wasn't... there for you. When you really could have used me there. And after all the times you've been there for me--it was shitty.

It was shitty and. The worst part is... it was something I was. Already intending to work on. But instead, I let the panic have the say and left you with alone at Future is Now without any explanation or... at least some kind of looping in. Before I made a stupid decision that hurt pretty much everyone I know, when I was just... wanting to put a stop to things. So people didn't have to be terrified and hurting.

I did it. I hurt you. And I made things worse. And I'm sorry... I don't really know how to start to make things right except maybe... try to. Loop you in on how I'll work to make sure... this kind of thing doesn't happen again--on my end of things.

...

[Maki just... stares at the ground for a while, breathing deeply a few times before even attempting to respond.]

...I don't know what to tell you. You're right. I really could have used you there. I was losing myself, and the one person who's been there for me the longest, who was the one I was supposed to be facing things together with... wasn't with me.

You should have told me. We could have figured something else out together. Or at least you could have brought me along, or—something. I don't know that trying to stab a demon prince would have been more productive than trying to get along with Taisho, but at least... I wouldn't have been at a total loss for what to do. And we would have been there together.

...At least we're all safe, in the end, but... I'm still angry with you. Especially because it's not the first time it's felt like you just weren't thinking about me at all.

[looks especially pained at that last part]

You have every right to be angry with me for that. And I'm sorry... I didn't make my feelings clear.

Because I... was thinking about you. The whole time. Just... in the completely wrong way. And that's not any better, maybe, but... it's something I can and will fix. Though, honestly, I don't know why you'd give me another chance. I've messed up. A lot. And I wouldn't blame you if you've had enough.

Either way, I'll still... work on bettering myself. Because at some point I just. Stopped. And that's not okay--for you, or for me. I don't want to hurt you again--I do want to be there for you, if you want me to. I should have been there to begin with, you're right. You're absolutely right. Somehow, I lost track of things between us... and I was--I really was working on trying to fix it back before this happened. And I want to still try to.

You were thinking of me as someone to be saved. Not someone who'd fight with you. And if that's what you think, who do you think I am?

[for the first time her voice raises slightly in distress/anger, but she immediately tamps it back down again.]

...I meant what I said, though. I don't want to break up with you. That wouldn't make me any happier.

[welp, that's him looking torn up with something like relief? but also. kind of just sags a little, rubbing at his eyes which are definitely tearing up. again.]

... like I said, I was thinking it in all the wrong ways. I know that. And I think I know... where it got bad--worse. And I have some ideas to--to fix it...

[kind of awkwardly trails off. takes a breath, trying again:]

I know that's not who you are, Maki. The problem isn't that. It's--I let old things have a say. Things I should have dealt with and haven't.

[she takes another few breaths, slow and shaky]

...What are your ideas, then?

[... kinda lamely holds up the self-help books?]

Back before everything happened... I. Did like you suggested, waited a few days, and then went to talk to sensitIV about what happened in that last Mukuro game. Except... even though I talked it out, even though I waited, I still just. Completely freaked out.

Anubis managed to talk me through it, thankfully. And it was there I--I was seeing what was happening. Because of what happened in the murder house. It sounds stupid, but I really... thought I had a better handle on it than that?

And not just that but earlier, when X first turned up and then Mars... I kept looking at them and seeing them just. Going for it. Going out there. Even if it was stupid. And I kept seeing that and seeing how I was before then. So I knew... I knew that's part of it.

So I tried to do... little things. To try to get back that sort of feeling? But it probably... came across weird. Or. Something. Because you'd give me funny looks, or Intensity would come up--actually, I won't lie. Talking about the things you do with Intensity also just made me think that I just. Stopped being myself with you somewhere? Or not not being myself, but--

[stops because, this sounds all confusing. takes a breath.]

So my thought was... I need to tackle and separate out myself from the ghost memory--the one I've carried around since what feels like a hundred years ago. Then... I need to. Work on how this place, that game... shoved 200 years into my cognition--because I can't. Think of any other way everyone else experienced only hours. Or minutes.

If I work on that... then I should stop... freaking out about whether to trust my friends, about whether someone's going to betray me without warning. I'd be able to get back to a place where I feel like we're on equal footing again instead of... you constantly holding my hand because I've been hurt.

After that... maybe I can face down the things that have been weighing me down. And... not alone.

Edited 2018-12-10 06:04 (UTC)

[she looks up at him properly, finally, though it still takes her a while to respond]

...I think... That sounds good in theory. Or... it sounds like a lot more self-awareness, and I'm glad you told me all that, about how you're feeling... that you're worried about what X or Mars means about you or how things are between us. That's the sort of thing I wish you'd tell me all the time, you know.

I don't know... that you're putting your plan quite the right way, though. Because working on it is one thing, but I don't think you can just work on it, get it done and then things will be better and you can get back to everything else. You have to take it step by step. And you might never get back to the place you were before, exactly.

But... that doesn't mean you can't try harder to do the things you want to do, in the meantime. If I gave you weird looks, it's because I didn't know what was going on, and it came out of nowhere. Or it felt like you were just trying to compete with Intensity. It's not that I don't want to get back to doing things with you. And it's not that I don't want to help you.

[wane smile]

I'd really appreciate any help I get. I really don't expect this to be something like a snap of the fingers. And I don't think it's possible to go back to how I was before, but...

I can make it easier. And I can--we can get back to figuring out who I actually am. Instead of just accepting or making due with the roles I've been given here. Though you're already ahead of me... I don't mind a bit of catching up.

But I'll definitely... need some help. Because it feels like you and some other people have better ideas about what's me and what's... not.

And trust me, I've... definitely gotten the message about communication. Loud and clear.

[he has been thoroughly traumatized into never not communicating]

I'll help. But I'm not going to tell you who you are. You have to decide that.

...I guess a good place to start is... What do you want? With me.

[long pause while he... clearly weighs this out, thinking it over. because... there are. some things... he has to remind himself aren't him]

... this might sound like a cop-out answer but... whatever you're willing to give me?

I want... to see your good sides, your bad sides, your patience, your temper, your smiles, your scowls, your tears, your laughter, your steadfastness, your insecurities, your coy little smirks, your playfulness, your attitude... anything in between.

What I've been missing... is not having you just be my girlfriend, but also being one of--if not the closest friend I have here.

I want... your trust... but I know I have to work to earn that back. I've done a lot of damage. So I'll work hard.

Edited 2018-12-10 06:57 (UTC)

...

[huffs!! but this time it sounds mostly flustered]

Fine. It sounds like you have something to work at, then.

[flustered Maki remains an excellent Maki]

I'll do my best.

In the meantime, want to cathartically burn some trash clothes?

...Sure? Are they...

[leans forward from the wall and steps over to try to actually get a better look at what he has]