imeeji_frontstage | (no subject)

[Entering!]

I was just wondering how you were, since I heard that the game was bad.

[Sprawled out on her bed on her stomach, clutching a pillow and letting her tail wave back and forth slowly. And has absolutely not cried at any point today nosiree.]

Whatever, I'm fine. I wasn't even there for it.

[Sitting next to her.]

Well, I'm glad you're uninjured and were spared from harm. You look like you have something bothering you, though.

No. Why would anything be bothering me? It's not like my unitmate randomly dropped dead after the game and probably will again or anything.

[Curls a little deeper into the pillow.]

Ah. Um, what happened?

[There's a pause, and she relaxes a bit, sniffing slightly.]

Just. . . it's personal, I guess.

[As public as his keeling over was, Eichi probably still wouldn't want her sharing his illness with others.]

Mm, I understand. [It's not like she wants to share everything that happens to her all the time either. Bottle up those feelings!]

It feels bad. Feeling powerless.

What would you know? What would you even know? I thought––I thought it didn't matter that no one wanted us, that they'd never want us, because we'd fight back and we'd win and then this! What happens when they decide they're not going to bring him back?

I just––I make them, right? I'll make them. I'll make them!

[In a panicked burst of just upset and anxiety and a lifetime she's barely even started to remember of always being afraid and insecure but swallowing it down and waiting because someday, for sure, she'd have power and strength and no one would hurt or scare her ever again –– and the fear that maybe that day just won't ever happen after all.]

I, um, I don't know your exact circumstances. Neither yours personally, nor those of your Unit.

[She looks away as she speaks, as if forcing the words out, trying to figure out for herself what they mean.]

Um, you know, I don't trust people very much, either. I look like I do, but I think I'm just resigned to it. I want people to help me and like me, so I'm a "good girl," I'm nice to people. But I can't separate it out from my desire to be safe. But I know I'll just get hurt sooner or later. And when I leave this place, there will be no just coming back from death. Sometimes it feels a bit strange you know, trying so hard, when I'm pretty shy to begin with. I confuse myself.

We don't have power here, though. We're at the mercy of the producers. I'm so "nice" and "responsible" because I think we need to be able to present a united front against them if we have the chance to. That's about me being safe too.

[Starts up a low rumbling growl in her chest, pinning her ears back and turning her face away slightly.]

So, what, it's all fake? You're giving me that confession now?

Not completely. I mean, I really do want to be kind, and I want to support people. But it's also vanity. I want to be a certain kind of person for my own sake. And I'm also doing it to keep myself safe. I don't think anybody has just one motivation for what they do.

A lot of people don't like sensitIV, you know. Ah, some of us had a reputation for doing rather horrible thinks. So I'm "making them" support us too.

Ah, sorry. This is about you, and not me, and our situations aren't the same, but you know, after that game where I killed people, part of why I worked hard to show I was a "good girl" because I wanted to be safe too. Somebody actually beat me up in retribution, so I know that I had to make myself look like I wasn't "the bad one."

Um, basically I'm saying all of this to try to understand you, I guess.

. . .

An act like that's only going to get you killed. If people see you're weak, then they've got no reason to respect you.

So be it if I am. I do not wish to be, but getting killed has a different meaning in this world. I do not think that intimidation is as powerful here as you think it is. The unitmates of one of my victims think well of me, as does that victim himself. They let me into their dormitory earlier without hesitation. Would I have achieved that through making them fear me? By demonstrating that I could hurt them if I so chose? If I could hurt them, what would it even gain me here except somebody else seeking revenge?

But neither do I think you or your unit is as despised as you believe.

Yeah? Lilis isn't "despised", either.

Mm. It is about clout. Somebody has to lose, and we all want to protect ourselves and our own. You are not wrong.

[. . .pushing herself up.]

Whatever. I'm never gonna be anyone's choice to protect, and I don't need to be.

You'll be mine.

[Unsure...]

Uh, what?

Why?

Do you really not want to be?

Just answer. Why?

I care about you.

. . .

Your teammate’s not gonna agree with that.

I really don't care what he thinks about that.

How’s that supposed to work in games?

I have gotten us to protect you before. And there's another on my team that seems to have an affinity for you. I can't promise much if I'm not in the game, though.