imeeji_frontstage | it's a mingle!

[ She can't help it, she laughs -- but waves a hand to indicate it's not at him, exactly. ]

Sorry, it just sounds like something I'd do, too. [ Also a huge avoider of uncomfortable over here, you may have noticed. ] Then I'd avoid my own place for a few weeks just in case. Never had a dog to judge me for it, though. [ On account of them being petrified of her, so she doesn't need memories to know it. ]

Any idea why you were spooked?

[ Grinning. Yeah, laughing about this is definitely better than brooding on the like panic attack he almost had about the uniform. ]

Not really. Especially because...

[ Trails off, the smile slipping a little. Whoops, thinking about it, if not brooding. ]

I relaxed when I saw the rest of the uniform. The colors. Pretty sure that signifies what brigade a knight's on...

[ She's nodding along, not really getting it because he doesn't get it, until he says -- ]

[ At least she knows for sure what it is this time: inside her head the words are translated into French, and the word knight is Chevalier. Aliza drops her sword, pitching forward but keeping her feet this time at least, clutching her head with both hands as her vision goes white for a long, dizzying moment. Whatever she can't remember that's making her react so strongly, that word is the center of it. ]

[ How's that for interrupting your almost-brooding? ]

[ Bang-up job, four stars. ] [ Lupine jerks a little in response, and reflexively catches the sword, before getting really annoyed with his reflexes because the sword was not the priority there. ]

Hey— Zari?

[ She is still for a moment before holding up an index finger, asking for another moment, letting him know she hears him, she just needs to trust that she's not going to retch or faint or something dramatic and embarrassing. ]

[ When she can trust herself to speak, she lowers her hands to rest on her knees, not quite having the same trust in her balance just yet. ]

Sorry, it's not you. The word knight. [ She pauses, swallows, then goes on. ] In my native tongue, the translation is Chevalier, and hearing it makes me -- I don't know. It's like my body remembers it even if I don't. [ And, clearly, it's nothing good, not that she's surprised. ] This happened once before. I just need a minute.

[ Oh. Man, and he thought he had mixed feelings about the word. ]

I'm sorry. They're — definitely a thing on my world. I can call them something else, though, like... soldiers?

[ Argues with himself about whether he should rub her back soothingly or keep his hands completely to himself. Settles for just being very present. ]

Or I could stop acting like a child about something I can't even remember. [ That bitterness is all at herself, hopefully he knows that. (It doesn't matter that she didn't choose to react like this, it's still pathetic.) ]

[ She demands her fists unclench and stands up, through sheer force of will. ] Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you with my pitiful swooning. Thanks for catching the sword. [ Reaching out to take it back, still shaking just a little but pretending she isn't. ]

[ Raised eyebrows at her self-directed hostility. ]

...Zari.

[ He will give up the sword, but. ]

Whatever you don't remember is obviously awful. It's not — childish to be affected by that.

[ She takes the sword back and fiddles with it for a long moment, head ducked. What can she say here? That she envies the kind of immortal that Venti and Zhongli are, in the sense that they can just roll with things? That getting upset over whatever losses she experienced is silly because it's probably happened to her a thousand times? She doesn't really want to be inhuman whatever strides she's made toward accepting it, or act like she's above humans either, but getting so overly emotional feels juvenile all the same when she's as old as she is. ]

...A lot of awful things can happen when you live a long time. I can't break open every time I hear a word that reminds me of one of them, or I'll never do anything else.

[ She's very aware that she just usurped this conversation too, which happens to her quite a lot and she hates that about herself. It makes her feel selfish and fragile, two things she absolutely doesn't want to be. ]

Edited 2022-01-27 17:58 (UTC)

I feel like, when you're only just now remembering the things that've happened to you over your very, very long life, you've got just as much right as anybody else to break a little.

[ And he's got this immediate comparison in his brain about some bones coming back stronger after they've been broken that he's gonna keep to himself for any number of reasons, not least of which because it's not relevant. It's not important. There're other things to be besides strong, and it's cold-as-hell comfort to someone who's still in pain. ]

—In fact, I'd say you've got more right, since you've got more shitty memories than people who haven't lived as long.

Maybe. [ He has a fair enough point, she supposes, but spoken by almost anyone else she'd argue with it regardless. She well knows that Lupine is one of the few who doesn't patronize her about this, which she appreciates, and that also makes her more apt to not brush him off. ] I feel that a lot, sudden feelings where a memory should be, and you'd think some of them would be good feelings, but they never are.

I don't want to be chained to my past any more than I have to. That's all. [ She needs to buy memories to figure out how to manage her situation, but other than that she has no desire to know a thing. ]

...Fair.

[ He goes quiet and thoughtful. ]

Want me to keep saying it then? See if it gets better when you're more used to hearing the word?

[ Beat. Crooked smile. ]

Because there're a lot of them in the memories I've gotten back so far, so it should be easy.

[ She laughs and swipes at his legs with her sheathed sword, knowing perfectly well that he'll dodge or jump or something. ]

That's what I get for pouring my heart out to a perfect pain in the ass like you. [ This is the fondest criticism ever levied on another person. ]

[ He does, in fact, do a needless little backflip out of the way. ]

At least I'm perfect?

[ But no, really, he's glad to have gotten that laugh. ]

—I'm not gonna tell you to just... feel differently about your memories. [ Softer. ] That one you shared with me? One of the worst I've seen here.

[ There are so many different kinds of horrible that it's difficult to rank them more precisely, and pointless to try — what would the winner get? A year's supply of ice cream? ]

So who am I to dictate how you handle it? If you need to shut down... if you need to push through... if you need time alone, or a big party with footie pajamas and hair-braiding and bad movies and gossip.

[ Small smile. ]

Well, I'll do what I can to help facilitate.

[ Somehow, hearing someone say that her memory is exactly as bad as she knows it is helps, a little. Too often people around here are too focused on moving past things and don't want to abide any time to actually endure them. ]

I hate being alone, and I don't think a bunch of girly junk is going to do a thing but make me roll my eyes. But the other two, that sounds good. [ She starts walking again, because hitting things, yes definitely. ]

Sorry, I interrupted you. [ If there was anything else he needed to say? She can handle it, now she's even steeled for the k-word if it comes up. ]

[ Lips quirking. ]

Hey, hey. Only one of us has enough hair to braid.

[ Following again, though, because hitting things sounds good to him, too. ]

...I think I was done, really. You might've missed the speculation on whether there was one specific brigade I was trying to avoid sleeping with, but that's it.

I know exactly who has enough hair to braid. [ Might be messing with him, mmhmm. ] I could have had a braid down to my ankles if I wanted to keep it, but punching out mirrors was getting tiresome. [ She still needs to buy a new one for her bedroom, but she's a tiny bit nervous about trying that again. ]

Right. Maybe there's one brigade in particular that has your head measured for a platter. [ Since he's a dirty criminal and all :P ]

[ ...Doesn't like that. Didn't she say before that her hair being that long was just a pain? ]

Heh, or one with an especially bad rep. That guy in purple seemed like an extra big jerk.

[ That was before she knew him well enough to tell the truth! ]

Maybe taking him to bed would loosen him up a little. [ Another bout of not-at-all-seriousness, here. ]

[ Well, it's definitely not the inconsistency that bothers him. ] [ But congrats, he is cringing. ]

Oh, man. Thankfully, his armor was way too specialized to be the stuff I saw on the floor. Just someone's lackey.

If you're sure. [ For some reason she sees no problem at all with inviting someone who's after your head to bed. Huh. ]

You'll figure it out eventually. Wouldn't it be nice if they gave us these memories in any sort of reasonable order to put things together? Sounds too fair and logical for this place, though.

I'm sure I'm not volunteering for that, even if it would be a public service.

[ Thinking of Valor, ] [ ....................yeah, it's definitely not the part where Cumore might've wanted him dead. ]

So far, I've been... able to tell how old I was for 'em. [ Quirked lips. ] The benefits of mortality.

[ AKA: he doubts you've gotten any kind of useful 'oh I'm 15' with your memories. ]

Edited 2022-03-29 02:58 (UTC)

I can generally tell what year it is, within a handful, which sort of amounts to the same thing.

...I guess.

[ That he hasn't been getting. Huh. ]

it's a mingle!

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