imeeji_frontstage | it's a mingle!

[ Look, she promises she's not following him around or anything, actually she was going to benevolently bypass her favorite game effect of all time in favor of doing some sword training (since she's back to normal today and couldn't really train with all the branches -- well, she could have but was having too much fun just being a very sated, very pretty tree), but when he says that -- ]

There are worse things to be at the sake of. [ Not even slightly realizing how on the nose she is about that. ]

[ It's clear, at least, that she's not flirting so much as asking what's wrong, in a roundabout way that tends to ping less of his whole awkward resistance to being comforted thing. Having a Lupine decoder ring is nice like that. ]

[ Hey, who was judging? If he hadn't been criminally distracted by his stupid phone, Lupine probably would've winked at her first. As it is, she gets a bit of a grimace. ]

Cute.

Uh...

[ Her phone is tucked away behind layers of tarlatan, and even if it weren't she makes a point not to watch those things, so she has no idea what she said wrong. However, they know each other enough that she's not going to huff off in a fit of irritation as she might (has, will) with others; if he's irritated, it's probably incidental. ]

I think I missed something?

[ Picks up on that immediately, and then his look at her is apologetic. ]

—Thought you were...

[ He lets it trail off, then opens up his points balance just to confirm that it wasn't a private memory. —Sigh. ]

Well, you just missed me buying a public memory when I was trying to buy a shirt, that's all. [ Beat. ] It was the kind of memory that'd make your comment seem pointed. Sorry.

-- Oh. Don't worry about it. [ No need to apologize for that, seriously, she wasn't even ruffled (which, for her, is as much a show of trust as it's possible to get). ]

I was on my way to go hit things, if you find yourself suddenly in the mood for that. [ Hefting her sword, and note that she's in training clothes, for a ☆Zrael definition of that. ] Snarky comments about possibly uncomfortable experiences in bed entirely on an opt-in basis, promise.

[ His gaze does immediately sharpen on the sword, a definite light of interest in his eyes, before he — has to laugh, heh. ]

Sounds good to me.

[ Will shoulder his own sword, because he really isn't ever without it except in the stupid game tower. ]

Lead the way.

[ Off they go, as requested! ]

I hope it was just a case of not wanting people to see that, rather than it being something awful. [ There's enough torment in this place without it being from your own past, she is an authority on this. ]

[ Which is also her way of asking if he wants to discuss it. If not, no big deal, she doesn't care to know things unless people tell them to her freely (drunk accidents notwithstanding). ]

[ (Look, the drunk accident was kind of cute.) ] [ Lupine hears that, too, and he offers her a smile. ]

Mostly just embarrassing. Picture this:

[ Palms open, hands extended in front of himself. ]

I woke up in what I guess was my bedroom, hungover, but not really worrying about my life choices until I realized there was someone there in bed with me.

Ugh. [ She doesn't have any recollection of something exactly like that, but she sure did hit on Nemesis hard at that Lunar New Year's thing when she said she wasn't going to (it worked out okay so far, but with feelings being as dumb as they are...) ]

I know how much you love awkward chats, so I'll bet that wasn't a great moment.

Oh, it gets better. [ Warming to his subject now. ] I lie there for a few seconds, trying to figure out if I remember anything from last night or have any idea who I'm in bed with, and then I get out of bed.

[ Beat. ]

Slowly. Silently. I manage to get up without waking the other guy, get dressed, see his clothes on the floor and freak out for some reason, then slip out the window.

[ Longer beat. ]

That dog from some of my other memories was there. He was not impressed.

[ She can't help it, she laughs -- but waves a hand to indicate it's not at him, exactly. ]

Sorry, it just sounds like something I'd do, too. [ Also a huge avoider of uncomfortable over here, you may have noticed. ] Then I'd avoid my own place for a few weeks just in case. Never had a dog to judge me for it, though. [ On account of them being petrified of her, so she doesn't need memories to know it. ]

Any idea why you were spooked?

[ Grinning. Yeah, laughing about this is definitely better than brooding on the like panic attack he almost had about the uniform. ]

Not really. Especially because...

[ Trails off, the smile slipping a little. Whoops, thinking about it, if not brooding. ]

I relaxed when I saw the rest of the uniform. The colors. Pretty sure that signifies what brigade a knight's on...

[ She's nodding along, not really getting it because he doesn't get it, until he says -- ]

[ At least she knows for sure what it is this time: inside her head the words are translated into French, and the word knight is Chevalier. Aliza drops her sword, pitching forward but keeping her feet this time at least, clutching her head with both hands as her vision goes white for a long, dizzying moment. Whatever she can't remember that's making her react so strongly, that word is the center of it. ]

[ How's that for interrupting your almost-brooding? ]

[ Bang-up job, four stars. ] [ Lupine jerks a little in response, and reflexively catches the sword, before getting really annoyed with his reflexes because the sword was not the priority there. ]

Hey— Zari?

[ She is still for a moment before holding up an index finger, asking for another moment, letting him know she hears him, she just needs to trust that she's not going to retch or faint or something dramatic and embarrassing. ]

[ When she can trust herself to speak, she lowers her hands to rest on her knees, not quite having the same trust in her balance just yet. ]

Sorry, it's not you. The word knight. [ She pauses, swallows, then goes on. ] In my native tongue, the translation is Chevalier, and hearing it makes me -- I don't know. It's like my body remembers it even if I don't. [ And, clearly, it's nothing good, not that she's surprised. ] This happened once before. I just need a minute.

[ Oh. Man, and he thought he had mixed feelings about the word. ]

I'm sorry. They're — definitely a thing on my world. I can call them something else, though, like... soldiers?

[ Argues with himself about whether he should rub her back soothingly or keep his hands completely to himself. Settles for just being very present. ]

Or I could stop acting like a child about something I can't even remember. [ That bitterness is all at herself, hopefully he knows that. (It doesn't matter that she didn't choose to react like this, it's still pathetic.) ]

[ She demands her fists unclench and stands up, through sheer force of will. ] Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you with my pitiful swooning. Thanks for catching the sword. [ Reaching out to take it back, still shaking just a little but pretending she isn't. ]

[ Raised eyebrows at her self-directed hostility. ]

...Zari.

[ He will give up the sword, but. ]

Whatever you don't remember is obviously awful. It's not — childish to be affected by that.

[ She takes the sword back and fiddles with it for a long moment, head ducked. What can she say here? That she envies the kind of immortal that Venti and Zhongli are, in the sense that they can just roll with things? That getting upset over whatever losses she experienced is silly because it's probably happened to her a thousand times? She doesn't really want to be inhuman whatever strides she's made toward accepting it, or act like she's above humans either, but getting so overly emotional feels juvenile all the same when she's as old as she is. ]

...A lot of awful things can happen when you live a long time. I can't break open every time I hear a word that reminds me of one of them, or I'll never do anything else.

[ She's very aware that she just usurped this conversation too, which happens to her quite a lot and she hates that about herself. It makes her feel selfish and fragile, two things she absolutely doesn't want to be. ]

Edited 2022-01-27 17:58 (UTC)

I feel like, when you're only just now remembering the things that've happened to you over your very, very long life, you've got just as much right as anybody else to break a little.

[ And he's got this immediate comparison in his brain about some bones coming back stronger after they've been broken that he's gonna keep to himself for any number of reasons, not least of which because it's not relevant. It's not important. There're other things to be besides strong, and it's cold-as-hell comfort to someone who's still in pain. ]

—In fact, I'd say you've got more right, since you've got more shitty memories than people who haven't lived as long.

Maybe. [ He has a fair enough point, she supposes, but spoken by almost anyone else she'd argue with it regardless. She well knows that Lupine is one of the few who doesn't patronize her about this, which she appreciates, and that also makes her more apt to not brush him off. ] I feel that a lot, sudden feelings where a memory should be, and you'd think some of them would be good feelings, but they never are.

I don't want to be chained to my past any more than I have to. That's all. [ She needs to buy memories to figure out how to manage her situation, but other than that she has no desire to know a thing. ]

...Fair.

[ He goes quiet and thoughtful. ]

Want me to keep saying it then? See if it gets better when you're more used to hearing the word?

[ Beat. Crooked smile. ]

Because there're a lot of them in the memories I've gotten back so far, so it should be easy.

[ She laughs and swipes at his legs with her sheathed sword, knowing perfectly well that he'll dodge or jump or something. ]

That's what I get for pouring my heart out to a perfect pain in the ass like you. [ This is the fondest criticism ever levied on another person. ]

[ He does, in fact, do a needless little backflip out of the way. ]

At least I'm perfect?

[ But no, really, he's glad to have gotten that laugh. ]

—I'm not gonna tell you to just... feel differently about your memories. [ Softer. ] That one you shared with me? One of the worst I've seen here.

[ There are so many different kinds of horrible that it's difficult to rank them more precisely, and pointless to try — what would the winner get? A year's supply of ice cream? ]

So who am I to dictate how you handle it? If you need to shut down... if you need to push through... if you need time alone, or a big party with footie pajamas and hair-braiding and bad movies and gossip.

[ Small smile. ]

Well, I'll do what I can to help facilitate.

it's a mingle!

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